Heritage
by Tess 4 5
Summary: Tommy behaves strange. Barbara wants to know why. At one point it doesn't go very well. Will it come to a good ending eventually?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the original characters nor the original Inspector Lynley Mysteries – they belong to Elizabeth George and the BBC. I have borrowed the characters from the TV-Show and only own the ideas of _my _stories.

Please write a **P**rivate** M**essage if you find any mistakes. Thanks!

Please read and review! More thanks!

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**Author's note: **Here comes another story. It might disturb some people because it contains some drama and some might find it hard to deal with it. Although I know that I just have scratched at its surface I hope I did justice to the difficult topics.

No character death! (Phew!)**  
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** Summary:** Tommy behaves strange. Barbara wants to know why. At one point it doesn't go very well. Will it come to a good ending eventually? Anyway, nonetheless - enjoy reading!

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**Heritage**

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"He's unbearable!" DC Winston Nkata muttered tossing a stack of files onto his desk.

"Hm?" DS Barbara Havers looked up from her monitor. "What is it this time?"

"I have to check these files for_ in-con-sis-ten-cies_." He had said the last word with disgust. Winston groaned and slumped into his chair. He waved a piece of paper through the air. "And after these he had listed more files for me, which I have to get out of the cellar. Fecking prehistoric paper which isn't yet digitalised."

"Oh, I pity you." Barbara said sympathetically. "I even can relate. Guess what? My morning was filled with this bloody- but Winston, you know very well that some things simply have to be d-"

The door to DI Tommy Lynley's office had opened and she quickly had changed her sentence but she had no chance to finish it. Their boss had cut her short.

"Havers? A word, please?"

She quietly groaned before she tried to give a cheery reply. "Yes, Sir, just a second."

* * *

DI Lynley motioned her to sit after Barbara had closed the door of his office behind herself.

"Umm..." he started. "I just wanted to tell you that I'll be off for a long weekend. I'll leave today already. I have to go to Howenstow."

Her face lit up. "Oh, that's nice. Say a warm greeting to your mother. I haven't seen her for a while."

Lynley stared at her pensively for several silent seconds before he went on with an almost invisible shake of his head. "I will. Thank you. There will be a lot of things to be sorted out there, so it might happen that I'll stay a few days longer."

"Oh. Okay." Barbara found there was nothing wrong with that.

"And I wanted to inform you that while I'm away you'll be in charge here."

"Oh." Barbara had not expected this. There was not much on the agenda and no major crime to be solved and if so there was the new team of DI Melvoin. DI Melvoin had been the one in charge last month when DI Lynley had gone to Howenstow for two weeks so it would have been natural that it was the same this time.

"You're as good as a DI, in fact I wonder why you still haven't passed the exams..." He watched her again for a few moments without saying anything. Barbara searched for words because she felt obliged to explain it but Lynley saved her when he went on. "Anyway... You're acting DI until I return. That is, if you don't have any objections." His face suddenly had turned soft. Barbara was really missing this expression. Recently his face usually was hardened and he had rarely smiled but when they had a pint after work he never let on anything. But, to be honest, they were not having those pints very often recently. She also missed this. Lynley had been very quiet for the past few months.

He only had been looking at her all the time without saying anything at all. As if he was brooding over something.

* * *

"He's freaking me out." she hissed to Winston after she returned to the main office. Lynley and Barbara had worked out the schedule for the next days. He had been cool, almost impersonal, and did not even teased her like he used to when it came to her still missing promotion. "He's going to Howenstow for a long weekend and he's appointed me as acting DI."

"Yay! Congratulations!" Winston was truely happy for her.

"Ah." She snorted. "I just want to know what's happening here. He's so- and therefore I am acting DI until DI Lynley returns."

"I'm leaving." DI Lynley said walking through the main office. He sounded tired. "Do you have any other questions? I'll be very busy down there so please ask now."

"No, Sir, we'll be fine." acting DI Havers replied. "Have a nice trip."

"Mhm." Lynley gave her another slightly too long stare before he seemed to remember his politeness. "Thank you, Barbara. Enjoy your new role." He even managed a light smile. "See you next week."

"Bye, Sir."

When the door closed behind their boss' back Winston and Barbara looked at each other.

"You really should ask what bothers him." Winston said.

"Why me?"

"Because you're the one closest to him. You're the only one he lets into his shell."

Barbara snorted a bitter laugh. "It doesn't feel that way at the moment."

"You are. Believe me. And everything is better than his current mood."

Barbara nodded. She knew that Winston was right. She also knew that she had to talk with Lynley. She dearly wanted to know what was going on so she would be able to stand by him, whatever it was, like she always did. Barbara sighed. Tommy's obvious pain was tormenting her. Because she loved him.

And still she did not dare to ask and show him that she cared for him because she feared to reveal too many forbidden feelings.

* * *

DI Lynley returned eight days later. He was even quieter than before and did not say one angry word when Winston and Barbara admitted that they had not reached their target and still had not finished their research work on these old files. That they had caught a well-known thief by accident might have been of help, but still there were a lot of texts to be read.

"Well, these files don't run away, do they?" he only stated with a lopsided smile and stood in the doorway to his office for a few moments. He watched Barbara sorting two stacks of paper. When she gave him a cautious smile he replied with a slightly happier face.

It went like this for two days. On the third day after his arrival back in London - it was a Friday morning - Lynley came in and only muttered a quiet "Good morning." before he went straight into his office. Not without giving Barbara another pensive look of course.

"Go after him, Barb!" Winston hissed. "I can't bear how he constantly looks at you as if he tries to tell you something."

"Just let him arrive, Winnie!" Barbara hissed in reply. "I'm going to ask him later."

"Later might be too late." Winston grunted quietly.

* * *

A few minutes passed. They were working in silence. At least for others it looked like that. Barbara only thought about her boss. They had grown very close and even had started to have some sort of real dates at the restaurant or even at the cinema. She got used to it until it suddenly had stopped. Lynley had come home from Howenstow one day and had turned quieter than before. He had not asked her out but once since then and it was not as enjoyable as the other dates. He laughed less and lesser and frowned too much. She missed his teasing. She missed his former self. She missed his closeness and the odd pint after work.

"Something's very wrong with him." Winston suddenly said. "You've been so close previously, that I've waited each day that you'd announce to be an item. And now this!"

Barbara looked up. Her eyes were wide in shock. "Winston!"

"What?" He shrugged. "You're in love with each other. Everybody sees it but you. Oh, for heaven's sake, go to his office and ask what's going on! He certainly waits for it!"

"Most certainly he's not in love with me."

"And most certainly you haven't denied that you are in love with him." There was a hint of triumph in Winston's voice. "And that's a very good reason to check him. Now."

Before she got up from her chair Barbara let a few moments pass. "Okay, I'll go and visit the devil." she sighed, leaving her desk with a bundle of manila folders under her arm.

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	2. Chapter 2

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"Yes?" Lynley looked up from his reading matter and quickly took of his glasses. If it was not for the anxious look in his eyes, Barbara would have thought of it to be adorable, as usual. "Have you found something interesting?"

"Well, yes. There are a few notes that could be of interest. I've marked them with the sticky notes."

"Good, good..."

Barbara placed the files on Lynley's desk and sat down without an invitation. He frowned and looked at her quizzically. When she did not say anything he asked "Is there anything else?"

"Actually there is." She added a slightly emphasised "_Sir_."

"Yes?" He got no answer. "Go ahead."

Barbara inhaled deeply. "With all due respect, Sir..."

Lynley raised his eyebrows. "Go on..."

"We are worried." Letting this linger in the room Barbara bit her lower lip. She watched her boss closely and saw that his eyes went to her lips, then he swallowed and fixed his gaze back on her eyes with another, only barely hidden frown.

"Who is we and why are you worried and about whom. Or what."

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"Winston and I are wondering what goes on." Barbara inhaled again. "With you. Sir, you have been... not your usual self recently." He leaned back in his chair and almost in defence he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "You're extraordinarily quiet. You rarely laugh. One moment you're angry about a minor mistake but don't even start an argument and the next time you seem to not care that we've messed up the arrest of Ginger." It had happened during their last case when, due to a misunderstanding, DS Havers and DC Nkata had let their main suspect escape from the police car. At least they had caught him later, but DI Lynley almost only had shrugged and told them that this also could have happened to any other detective. "You're constantly staring. You're only looking at u. At me. You stare holes into the air. Sir, whatever it is that bothers you, please tell me."

Tommy did not answer but looked at her as if there was something else she should say.

"Sir, I miss your normal behaviour. I really miss the odd pint after work... with you. Or dinner. Or another visit to the theatre."

Barbara gave him an uncertain smile. Tommy leaned forward and folded his hands on his desk. This time he pensively stared at his fingers. Then he cleared his throat.

"I'm pleased to hear about your concern, Barbara."

It was all he said. She let him watch his fingers for a while. She watched them too. They were the neat hands of a grown up man, not really young and smooth but not really aged either. Big and strong and the very small signet ring on his left little finger gave them a touch of class. His knuckles went white. Barbara realised that he was cramping his hands. She swallowed.

"Tommy." she quietly said and his head shot up. She had only twice but never in the office called him by his given name and it had been, more or less, always by accident. This time she used it very pointed. "Please share it with me. How are you?"

* * *

"Well... I'm fine." he mumbled after a few seconds.

Barbara snorted. "You are so _not_ fine, Sir!"

"I am. Really. I'm just tired. Exhausted. You know..." This time Barbara waited until he had sorted his thoughts and went on. "Recently I'm so often in Cornwall for a reason. My..." He cleared his throat again to stall for time. "My mother is not feeling very well, you know, and it appears that she's not my lively old lady she used to be. We... Judith, Peter and I had and still have to work out a few family things, about the estate, about the horses, about... umm... about mother."

"And?" Barbara leaned forward and briefly covered his hands with hers. His muscles palpably relaxed but then she withdrew her hands. She had touched his hands automatically because it seemed the right thing. It was frightening her now.

Tommy looked at her with sad eyes. "We're coping, Barbara. Howenstow will be inhabited by Peter and his family. Have I told you that he still is with Nadine? They have a little boy."

Barbara shook her head. "You've been excluding me for quite a while, Sir." It was not said accusingly, nonetheless Tommy felt obliged to apologise.

"I'm sorry, Barbara. I didn't mean to."

"It's okay. Just don't let it eat you up from within. Stop brooding over it and share it."

"It's just a lot to think about. Age and family and stuff. A lot of things to organise. I will need time to get it all sorted and time to let my little brain process it all. Just give me time, Barbara."

"I'm there. Just say a word and I'll be there."

"Thank you."

They shared a fond smile for several seconds.

As if fate was mocking them his telephone rang. The Chief Super Intendent informed him that they had another case.

"Come on, Barbara, time to get back to work." His cheeriness was obviously forced.

"Do not wipe it away just like that, Sir."

"I won't. I promise." DI Lynley nodded slowly. "But life obviously goes on."

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The day went by without any further mention of his mood. A man was found dead in one of the passenger cars of the London Eye and two teams were investigating. In the evening when they called it a day at about eight and agreed on meeting again at eight in the morning Barbara watched Tommy expectantly but he did not invite her.

"Fancy a pint?" she asked instead.

"No, thank you, Barbara. I'll leave that to you." Lynley nodded a farewell to both and prepared to leave. "Don't drink too much. I'll see you both early in the morning. Murderers don't care for weekends, I'm afraid."

* * *

"Have you learned anything?" Winston asked when Lynley was out of earshot. He had had no chance to ask during the day.

"Yes. It's something personal but he will cope, he says."

"I guess you've offered your support?"

"Of course I have, Winnie." Barbara rolled her eyes while she put on her coat. "Something different: do you mind if we skip the pint? Actually I'm not really in the mood and tomorrow will start early."

"Yeah, I know. I was about to ask the same. See you then." Winston sorted some files and muttered under his breath that she should go and pay a visit to their unbearable boss. Lynley had been in a much better state after Barbara had been in his office but it still was demanding to work with him.

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Barbara went grocery shopping in the 24/7 co-op near her flat, ate a quick ready-made dinner and then watched some telly. After the ten o'clock news she did not switch the channel but she was oblivious to what was shown. Her mind had wandered to her conversation with Lynley during the weather forecast already. She thought about his words and especially that he had said he would cope. More so, she thought about what he had not said. There were for sure more serious things happening in Cornwall than he had been ready to tell and when it was as serious as she finally thought it was Barbara suddenly began to fear that Tommy would start drinking himself into oblivion again, no matter that he had to get up early tomorrow. He had done it before after his wife had died, and he probably would do it again.

Whatever is happening in Cornwall - somebody must keep him away from the bottle.

On the spur of the moment Barbara grabbed her car keys, put on shoes and coat, and drove to Belgravia.

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	3. Chapter 3

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She had to ring the bell twice before he opened. Lynley had furrowed brows but when he recognised Barbara his face lit up.

"Good evening, Barbara." He also looked surprised. "I thought you'd have a pint with Winston. What brings you here?"

"Concerns." she truthfully answered.

"Still?" Tommy gave a short laugh. "About me again? Please, come in."

"Thanks." He helped her off with her jacket and she discarded her shoes. It showed him that she was going to stay for longer than just a quick chat. "Yes, about you. I think you tend to drink yourself half blind towards the inclemencies of life and I'm here to prevent that."

"I'm past that, Barbara." He led the way to his study where a single lamp was switched on at the huge wooden desk. Papers and brochures were strewn across it. Her eyes fell onto an almost empty bottle and a glass. Following her stare Tommy deeply sighed. "Yes, I'm sipping at a glass of whisky, that's right. But it's the first one and I've filled it about one hour ago. I'm sober." Tommy gave a short bitter laugh and looked at the mess on his desk with a sad eye. "I'm choosing a care home for my mother." he added quietly.

Without a word Barbara gently stroked his arm. She already had expected something like that.

"Do you want one, too? I could do with a little break." Without waiting for an answer he filled a glass for her, topped up his and motioned her to sit down in the cosy corner.

Barbara chose the settee and immediately pulled her feet under her legs. Smiling about it Tommy sat down in the armchair.

* * *

"Cheers." he said.

"Cheers, Tommy."

Her words made him pause for a second. He had raised his glass and on its way to his lips he hesitated, letting his arm linger in the air and giving Barbara an affectionate gaze that made her shiver pleasantly, before he sipped from the golden liquid.

"Have you found some for the shortlist already?" she asked. With her chin she briefly pointed towards the mahogany desk.

He deeply sighed and stared at the ceiling with his head laid down on the backrest. "Not yet."

Barbara nodded. She knew how hard it was to find the right place. Although the Lynleys won't have the monetary restrictions the Havers' had had.

"Be honest, how are you?" she asked sympethetically.

Tommy snorted and hesitated before he looked at Barbara. His face was serious and honest. "I'm feeling awful. As if I'm shunting her off." The corners of his lips pointed downwards. It looked as if he was forcing himself not to cry.

"You're not. I'm sure you have all the good reasons for this step."

Tommy nodded. He watched the fine stuff in the expensive glass and swirled it around. "And still... She doesn't deserve this." he mumbled.

Suddenly Barbara was angry with herself that she had sat down the way she had and that therefore Tommy had been forced to take his seat in the armchair. He obviously needed a hug but with the distance between them it was impossible.

"We may have had our differences and there were a lot of quarrels with her but she's still my mother. I only have one."

"I understand you." Barbara whispered. "Completely."

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They shared a long look and silently remembered Barbara's own mother and how she was suffering in her last years. And all the trouble Barbara had had. Out of the blue and as if a dam had broken by Barbara's presence and her encouraging smile Tommy started to tell Barbara the whole story - how he suspected last year that something must be wrong with his mother, how it became obvious, how it was proven later, and how fast the deterioration went. "She barely recognised me this time." He almost choked on his words.

"That's so hard." Barbara sympathetically whispered. She would have taken his hand if she could but from her place she was only able to watch the knuckles of his fingers turn white while his hands grabbed harder around the fine glassware.

* * *

He needed some time to compose himself.

"It's not only dementia, which is, to top it all, proceeding extraordinarily quickly." Tommy picked up the difficult thread again. "She's also suffering from the ramifications of a small stroke."

Barbara swallowed down a sudden sob. "Nooo..." she breathed.

"They're still trying to figure out why it's all going so fast. One of the doctors suspected it could be another family desease. They give her..." Tommy took a sip from his whisky. "...just a short span. That is, if not another stroke comes along." He paused again, this time without a sip. "Life is short, Barbara. Life is very short and very precious."

Barbara almost shivered under the intense look he gave her. His eyes were dark, distraught and sad.

"It is." she agreed and wanted nothing else but to hug him and kiss his pain away. Not only because he obviously needed it but because life was short indeed. Instead she took a sip from her whisky.

"You know, she _never_ smoked, she didn't drink excessively. She ate healthily. She hiked, she swam, she was riding horses - she was so sporty and still she got a stroke. It was just a small one but there probably will be more, the doctors have predicted, and possibly heavier ones. And her dementia. It's her fate. It's in our genes." Tommy swigged down the rest of his whisky and got up to get the bottle. This time he gave himself another glass and topped up Barbara's before he sat down in the spot next to her. She had sat up properly when he had been getting up from his seat. "And what father had. It's all in our genes. I have these genes, Judith and her daughter have them, Peter has them. And Kevin has them too of course."

* * *

"Kevin?"

"It's Peter's son. I've told... Oh, no, I haven't, not everything at least. I'm sorry, Barbara."

"It's okay... Tommy. You really have other things on your mind at the moment. No need to apologise."

"I should have told you anyway. You deserve it." Briefly he took her hand to squeeze it.

"I know that you always need your time before you open up and share your thoughts, so, really, it's okay." She gave him a smile.

"At least it's not ten years..." Pensively staring at her he absentmindedly smiled and fondled her nape with his fingertips without being aware of what he was doing. He had placed his arm on the backrest of the settee. In fact he only needed a hug from Barbara but he knew he could not simply ask her for it.

"I am not the topic of this conversation, Sir." Barbara tried to lighten up the mood with a small grin and a wink. She also tried to ignore the heat at her neck.

"Mh."

Staring into the half lit room they had a few sips of whisky in silence.

"What happens to my mother shows me quite plainly that we're all not getting any younger." Tommy started again. "I'm not getting any younger, either. Sometimes it feels as if autumn of life is coming to me in huge leaps. In fact I feel so very old at the moment."

"But you're only 44." Barbara said with a soft voice. "That's not really old."

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"Mother's not really old either, is she?" He pondered on her age for a while. "I'm fearing age. I'm dreading that I'm getting older. I have the horrifying vision of suffering from one or all of the family diseases sooner or later."

A long pause of silence filled the room. Barbara watched him only half secretly from the side. He had removed his arm from the backrest and was holding his glass that was standing on his thigh. With his other hand he picked at some invisible threads on the armrest. She emptied her glass.

"Tommy..." Her voice was quiet and gentle.

"Oh, yes, sorry. Here." He had taken her the wrong way and filled her glass again before she could protest.

"No, I just..."

"Ah, I guess I will be fine." Tommy leaned back. "Everything will be fine. Howenstow will be the responsibility of my brother who has shown a good hand for such matters recently. Peter will take over the estate and the business and his son will be the next Earl."

This was a surprise for her so Barbara suddenly turned her head towards Tommy. He shrugged.

"Yes. When I'm dead, I'll hand it over to him, so to say, or to Peter if I die before Kevin is of legal age. Because apparently I won't have a son. Or any children at all in fact." His face had turned entirely sad. His sadness saddened her in return. And the feeling he had was one she knew too well.

"It's never too late, Sir." she whispered although she was not convinced of it for herself.

He shrugged again.

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	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Thank you all for your reviews. I appreciate them.

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His glass was empty and so was the bottle. Tommy had to get up to get another one from his cabinet. He knew exactly that they were drinking too fast and too much but the warmth in his throat was soothing and loosened his tongue towards Barbara in a good relieving way. Maybe if it was not for the whisky he never would be able to open up his heart to Barbara so completely. He was too used to brood over any personal matters and solve them on his own. He had done it with his father's loss. He had done it with Helen. He had not talked with her the way he should have and when she was shot he never got the chance to do so. It had been about time and so now he felt better, after talking to Barbara.

And there still was a lot he had to talk about. With Barbara mainly listening he talked a mile a minute. He told her quietly about what was missing in his life, about the sad realisation that he probably would never have a family and that he would never see a child of his own running around in the garden of his manor. He talked about how hard it was to decide that he would pass the family business over to his surprisingly grown up brother Peter, because, although most of the business formerly had been done by his mother and the administrator and only partly by himself here in London, Tommy always had found it satisfying and he had had a lot of joy working with the horses and all that was related.

And Tommy talked openly about the decision that Peter's son Kevin would officially become the 9th Earl of Asherton one day.

They talked for almost two hours and when they were silent in the end they sat on the settee decidedly closer than in the beginning, even leaning into each other and watching the second bottle which stood, with a huge amount of its liquid consumed, on the coffee table. They were not really drunken, they did not even slurred their speech, but certainly they were a bit tipsy and the conversation had turned decidedly lighter towards the end. Anyway, it was clear that Barbara would not drive home now. It had turned almost one in the morning by now. The ticking of the clock was an audible reminder that they had to get up early tomorrow.

When Barbara yawned Tommy got up and put away his empty glass.

"Come on, Barbara. It's late. Time to get some sleep." He switched off the lamp of his desk and made her lead the way out of the living room. Already in the corridor he added that he would prepare the guest room for her. Barbara had a huge swig of tap water in the kitchen while he did that.

* * *

She had rushed through the bathroom, turned off the lights and was already lying in the huge bed for a while in nothing but knickers and one of Tommy's T-shirts he had given her, when Tommy knocked softly at her door. He had to knock a second time because she was not sure what she had heard with her head covered by the duvet. But he really whispered her name outside of the door.

"Come in." she said surprised.

"I just wanted to make sure that you have everything you need." Tommy still was fully dressed and did not look at all as if he was going to bed so soon.

"Yes, I have. Thank you. Weren't you on your way to bed, too?"

"Ah, I'm not really tired. Too many things still running around in my head. I think I'll read another bit."

"No. You have to sleep too. Get undressed and come to... _go_ to bed." Barbara blushed deeply.

Tommy's face had turned into a wide grin about her slip of the tongue. Let it be the whisky that had made him bold but he suddenly dressed down to his boxers. Barbara only slowly had realised what he had been about to do. She was not even able to apologise for the indecent suggestion she had made accidentally nor did she find the time and words to voice a protest. In no time he had crawled under the duvet and closed his eyes.

"I'll be sleeping like a baby next to you." he whispered smiling. "Good night."

They were not close enough to touch but the bopping mattress and the rustling of his pillow were confusingly comforting. It was soothing and exciting at the same time and after their long conversation it felt good, if not even right, to have him here right next to her. Barbara sighed defeated.

"Well then..." She pulled the duvet up to her chin. "Good night, Sir."

With the lights off, the sounds of his steady breath so close to her ears lulled her into sleep in no time. The effects of the alcohol could have helped here too.

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Barbara woke up to the unfamiliar feeling of an arm crawling across her waist. Startled she opened her eyes widely only to look into a similarly shocked pair of brown eyes. When she had gone to bed she had not closed the curtains because she knew she had to get up early and the morning lights would be helping her to wake up. Now the moon shone through the window and set the room into a soft bluish light. It was enough to make out his facial features. The shock vanished quickly and a fond smile brightened up his face.

Without a word Tommy moved another bit closer. Without a word Barbara closed her eyes. Without any conversation they started to gently snuggle. She accepted that he pulled her close into his chest. Her nose was in the crook of his neck and the warm smell of his aftershave, mixed with the very personal scent of him, filled her nostrils. She breathed onto his skin and looped her arm around his waist. Under her lips she felt goosepimples that made her smile.

Eventually Barbara looked up. Tommy's eyes drowned in hers for a while and then, both were still silent, their cuddle turned into a relishing exchange of short gentle kisses. It was not long until their short kisses began to linger. They turned deeper and more desirous and still none of them had said a single word. It was not necessary at all. All this had to happen and it happened naturally.

In the end they were making love for almost the entire rest of the night - fluently, slowly, pleasurably gentle and extensively long, relishing every second.

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	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay. It should have been just the weekend but then I thought I could wait a bit with my own next chapters so I only enjoyed reading.

At Cats: I am a very good girl! ;-)

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A bright light and sunny warmth in his face woke him up. In the first second he opened his eyes he remembered the wonderful night he had spent with Barbara. He was relaxed, slightly exhausted and very naked under the duvet in the bed of his guest room. And he had a light headache.

The only thing that was missing was the woman at his side. He rolled over and buried his face in the pillow she had been sleeping on. It still smelled wonderful. Barbara's scent lingered in the cloth and Tommy took a deep sniff. After several moments he raised his head and strained his ears. The house was noticeably silent. There was no running shower, no bustling in the kitchen and no TV quietly running. Tommy knew that Barbara always watched some telly while she had her morning coffee.

He sat up. "Barbara?" he hesitantly called but got no answer.

Tommy got up from the bed. Barefoot and naked he plodded to the doorway to the corridor. "Barbara?!" he called again, this time slightly more nervous.

Silence hit his ears like a steel hammer.

Anxiously he padded back to the bed. On the night stand on the side she had slept on was a folded piece of his own expensive paper he had not seen moments before. Tommy almost did not dare to read it.

_Good morning, Tommy. _It was written in her typical uneven writing. Tommy swallowed. _Thank you for tonight. It was a wonderful night and I enjoyed it_ \- The image of Barbara stretching her arms above her head, arching her back and giving a satisfied purr shot through his mind and he actually had to shake his head to get rid of the wonderful memory. - _but I think it shouldn't have happened. _Tommy's stomach cramped and his blood freezed._ You and me - I don't believe it could work. I had to go. I think we both have to let it all settle down and give the turmoil some time to calm down again. Please don't call. I'm sorry. Yours, B._

He was shocked. He was devastated. He felt numb and sat down on the ruffled bed. Even though it was early in the morning Tommy felt he was in the mood to kill the rest of the whisky right now. He checked the time. He did not want to get ready for work at all but although last night before he had left the study he had sent a memo that he would come in late he knew he had to show up there as soon as possible.

His headache increased.

* * *

DI Lynley had not expected but dearly hoped that DS Havers would be sitting at her desk when he came into the office.

"Morning, Sir!" DC Nkata welcomed him. "You're here already? I had expected you to-"

"I'm in my office." Lynley answered crisply rushing past the desks. "Morning, Constable."

He was angry. He had thought the night was just the icing on the cake after they had talked so nicely but Barbara obviously preferred to leave him alone with all his trouble and now also with an empty feeling in the spot of his heart that always had been dedicated to Barbara. She had been filling it partly for some time and completely tonight.

When his boss was gone Winston blew up his cheeks. He texted Barbara that his Lordship was in the foulest of moods this morning and she should better come here quickly.

Barbara did not answer. She did not show up either and at about ten o'clock Lynley came to Nkata's desk to briefly inform him that DS Havers had called in sick.

If his mood had been foul in the morning, his mood was almost unbearable now. Barbara had not even sent her message to him but called in sick via the Chief Super Intendent who had sent a simple note to Tommy via e-mail.

Tommy hoped to get the chance to have a word with her on Monday but, as hard as it was, for now he respected her wish to sort her mind on what had happened last night. Tommy only sent a message.

_Barbara, we did the right thing. But if you need your time just take it._

After a few moments he sent a second message.

_I enjoyed last night so much. Please give me a call as soon as you are ready to talk. Thank you. X T._

He knew this was a lousy text but he could not simply send _I love you!_ \- could he? After she had asked for time and requested that he should not call her.

* * *

The weekend was hard without her. They all missed her in every possible way. Tommy's heart was bleeding about the loss of her presence at his side and DS Havers' mind would have been helpful at the beginning of the team's interrogations on the murder.

Unfortunately Barbara did not even come back on Monday.

At first it made DI Lynley extraordinarily angry because their case had turned out to be that of a mass murder. On Saturday another body had been found on a bench behind St Paul's Cathedral and on Sunday a body had been lying in the water of the Camden locks. The killing spree obviously went across the main tourist attractions of London and all victims were killed in the same way. Lynley finally called her on her mobile phone but she did not answer. He had to call her twice on landline because her voice on the answering machine had puzzled him at first and he had not known what to say to the computer recorder. That he could not reach her was not only making him angry, it also made him sad. And it highly confused him. Wasn't the night consensual? Wasn't it what they both had wanted, what they had needed for so long?

Tommy was picking up his mobile phone to send a text message to Barbara when Nkata delivered him the message about a dead woman on deck of the Cutty Sark. He groaned in annoyance.

"Parson is there." Nkata informed him. "With Smithy. Langden had to stay here for the Camden body."

Lynley nodded grimly and wrote to Barbara.

_We need you here. Every hand is needed. MMC_ \- MMC was their short code for 'major major crime'. After he had texted this he read it again and again. Eventually he shook his head. He realised that his words were too cold and not what he really was feeling so he sent a second text message. _And I need you too, Barbara. I miss you. T._

There still came no answer, not even twenty minutes later when DI Lynley and DC Nkata were collecting the first facts of the new body in the main office.

"Oh, bloody hell, please answer!" Tommy muttered under his breath.

"Hm?" DC Nkata turned away from the white board and saw DI Lynley leaning against Barbara's desk. He was staring at his mobile phone.

"Hm?" Lynley looked up with a confused expression.

"Hasn't she answered yet?" Nkata asked sympathetically.

"No." Lynley's eyes went back to his mobile phone. "I wonder what was wrong."

"_Was_, Sir?"

Lynley had not recognised that he was talking aloud. "Oh, I... umm... I mean on Friday."

"So she's dropped by at yours?"

Lynley nodded and looked straight through his Constable.

"What happened?" Nkata dared to ask.

"Well, she... we... umm... nothing." To Nkata's surprise his boss got red ears. It was obvious that something actually had happened. "We've talked a lot."

"Oh, gee - what did you say to her?"

"Nothing!" That was a fast and firm answer. "Well, nothing bad at least. We didn't argue, if you mean that."

The self-doubting expression on Lynley's face told Nkata a lot but not everything. Lynley thought he should have said the three little words that had been on his tongue all the time after she had accepted his arm around her waist but they did not come out. He had been a coward and then had thought, or better made himself believe, that he would scare her with his early confession. Now he was not so sure about it anymore. Maybe these words would have convinced her not to run away, convinced her to stay.

"Oh, my..." Nkata sighed when there was no further explanation from his boss. He returned his attention to the whitewall and made the work on his own. He knew his boss would be of no great help at the moment. Later, when there was a bit of time to relax, he sent a text message to Barbara.

_Barb. He's in a complete tizzy. Please drop by or at least answer his calls. Win_

She only answered _Sorry. I don't feel very well. Greets B_

* * *

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	6. Chapter 6

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* * *

Barbara had been shocked when she had woken up in Tommy's arms on Saturday morning. The previous night had been marvellous but in the instance she had remembered herself doing things she only had dreamed of for years, remembered what he had made her do under is hands, his kisses, his body, she suddenly had been frightened. She had been frightened about her boldness, about what would be when he woke up too, what would be later on, how he would react when he saw her like this and remember what they had done throughout half of the night. They had not been drunken enough not to be aware of what they were doing. It had been consensual and so fluently happening that it had appeared to be the most normal thing.

But then again it was not.

She felt ashamed of herself because she had so easily given in to her desires although she knew she should not have. The usual objections had shot through her head. Objections she always listed when her mind was running into the happy ending direction which was a dead end road for sure. At least she had thought there was a dead end and a night like this _never_ would happen. In the bathroom she had started to feel awful.

This night should not have happened. Barbara had had to flee.

She had picked up her clothes, left the room quietly and in his study she got dressed and quickly had written a note.

Then she had hurried out of his house.

When she had been back at her own flat Barbara also had begun to feel horrified of the coming day at work and so she had decided to call in sick. She would not bear to hear Tommy's voice, the voice that had whispered so many sweet things tonight, the voice that had hummed onto her belly tonight, the voice that had moaned into her ear tonight. Knowing she would not be able to withstand this voice she had not dared to call but decided to write an e-mail. And only seconds before she had hit the send button she had changed the address into that of the Chief Super Intendent.

Barbara was feeling like a coward.

* * *

On the other hand she still felt terribly awful. She was disgusted about herself, that she had fallen into his trap after hearing his sad story and after it had turned her emotionally soft and vulnerable. And unfortunately also weak-willed. He had needed not only a pair of understanding ears but also a human body to cling to and to make him feel better. Like he used to, only this time the woman he had picked was Barbara.

In one moment she kicked her backside that she was thinking like this, in the other moment she thought it was right. Partly she was really happy that it had happened, but partly she was not. She was quite unhappy with herself that she had not withstood his embrace or his kisses. She had not even had the strength to send him off of her bed.

And everything had been so entirely wonderful.

Nonetheless, a long weekend to get her thoughts sorted was not enough in the end. She had decided to stay away for another week. Maybe she would calm down her nerves to call Tommy and maybe even see him. Only coming to the office and face the rest of her colleagues would not work at the moment. If Nkata had seen through her fassade before, he would be able to see it again. She would not want to deal with his teasing.

Facing the suddenly surfacing memories about the sufferings in her own family was hard enough.

Barbara was not sleeping a lot. She was not eating enough and only forced herself to have some lighter meals and an energy shake every now and then. In fact she could not understand it herself. She had dreamed and fantasised about loving Tommy for years. She had hoped that one day he would recognise her as a woman and now that he had done just that her brain was not coping. Her fears had won against her in the moment she had left the warm and cosy nest in the bed of his guest room. Her objections had won against her rational mind, against her heart and against her other emotions. She feared that they both never could return to their former friendship and at the same time she knew it for sure and she would not want that anyway. She wanted to give in to her longing and she knew it would mean a huge change in her life.

A change Barbara felt not yet ready for, no matter how much she actually loved Tommy. It would be a change she could not imagine his Lordship to accept either.

And then again she deeply pitied him because now he had to deal with his pain on his own again. She even pitied Nkata to bear his mood. She pitied the entire team that she was not there to help with the _MMC_. And she also began to pity herself. She got sulky that she was Tommy's dirt trap again, like she had been one time or the other. The good friend who always listened to his problems and could be pushed aside when she had given him some advice or when he felt better to get back into his own social life.

* * *

She thought she knew exactly that he only came and rang at her door because he needed her for his own support.

When he dropped by on Wednesday Barbara did not open nor did she give a sign that she was at home. She just stood behind the door, heard his defeated curse and trembled. And when she received another text message after an unsuccessful call on her landline phone she deleted it as quickly as she could. Only the words _please_, _miss_,_ dearly _and _talk_ had burnt themselves into her brain.

And then she did not return on Monday one week later.

Barbara had been crying throughout the entire second weekend and did not know what was happening with her. She should be happy. She should run to him. She should talk and listen to Tommy and stop her stupid brooding. Barbara did not know herself anymore. Finally there where she had dreamed to be one day, she apparently could not accept it.

* * *

Tuesday noon Tommy was knocking at her door again. She still did not open but he knew for sure that she was there.

"Please open the door, Barbara. We have to talk. You can't hide forever. I know you're at home. Your car is parked right here at the kerb. Please let me in!"

Barbara was lying in her bed and pushed a pillow into her face and over her ears. She only wanted to shut out the world. In that moment a thought budded that she should leave London for a while to escape his visits. If she was not here she might escape all the spots that were waking memories she did not want. Memories at places where she had picked up her mother. Memories in parks where she had played with her brother before he got sick. Memories at the old sickamore tree where her father used to walk to in brighter days. Memories of places where she had been with Tommy, during cases or after work. Where she had met with him in very private moments. And if she was not here she might forget that she had given in to her silly desires and had become another notch on his bedpost. She sobbed into her pillow.

When Tommy obviously had left her doorstep and it finally was quiet outside Barbara got up and made herself the first real breakfast after days.

* * *

In the early evening, after he absentmindedly had done a lousy job at work, Tommy came to her door again. He rang. He knocked. He rang again, twice. He checked if her car could be seen and it stood at the kerb where it usually stood.

"Barbara, please let me in. We _really_ have to talk." There was no answer. Tommy let his head bump against the door.

Suddenly words bubbled out of him. "Barbara, please... We can't go on like this forever! I... I miss you so much. I want to know what had been wrong that Friday evening. It was... it was so gorgeous to realise that you are feeling the same way that I feel. I'd like to share more of that with you. You couldn't just stay away for the rest of the time. I _need_ you. I want you in my life... I was thinking you'd feel the same. We are brilliant together, and I don't only mean at work. I want to extend it into our private lifes... If you don't... Even if I'm wrong and you don't want that, please tell me. I need to know and I... I'll accept your decision but I can't live without knowing what was wrong... What _is_ wrong? If you don't feel the love for me like I feel for you then I could work out a way to ignore my own feelings. Barbara... I just need to know... And if you're just frightened... Barbara, be assured, so am I. I'm frightened about everything that comes hereafter because it is so very different. But..."

Tommy deeply sighed. "I love you."

There came no answer so he went on talking quietly against the door. "Barbara... I dearly want to know what bothers you. I want to help you wipe that away, if you just let me. Or at least find a way to be the friend that I have been before. If you don't love me I can... I _have_ to accept that. Just please don't keep me hanging here... Barbara, please open the door. I just want a word from you. I want to know that you're okay... Or at least that you're going to be okay eventually... You know, there is so little time... There's so little time for us and a single word would help me get out of my misery. I... My time is so packed with that bloody case and on Thursday I have to check something in Nanrunnel again, so please just give me a sign that you've heard me." He paused and waited. "I love you." he whispered and waited a few more moments. "Barbara?"

A heartbreaking sob was heard.

* * *

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**...**


	7. Chapter 7

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* * *

Tommy turned his head just to see Barbara's neighbour standing in the doorway and wiping her tears with a kitchen towel. She obviously had overheard enough of his speech to make her cry.

"She's not at home, Sir." the elderly woman explained almost choking on her words. "I've seen her leaving. But she's not taken her car."

"I'm sorry you had to hear this, Ma'am." Tommy apologised.

His sorry face made the woman sob again. She pointed to the right down the road. "She's left this way. There's the tube station."

"Thank you, Ma'am."

The woman raised a hand and without touching his arm she made him hesitate his walk. "Sir... She's looked a bit... gloomy."

He looked at her pensively and then only nodded.

Thinking about it Tommy knew that there was only one place where she could be. It was the place they both had a special relation to. He hurried to his car. He could only hope that he was not wrong.

* * *

When Tommy was at her door Barbara was not there to hear him. She was sitting on a bench, together with a few other people on the shiny new benches next to the old one that miraculously had been empty when she had reached the top of Primrose Hill. She sat down in the middle of it so nobody else would dare to join her there and interrupt her pensive stare across the views.

Eventually the cheery voices faded into a silent background and Barbara was easily able to ignore the tourists taking pictures of the glorious view down the green grass. In the distance she spotted the iconic skyscrapers and the giant wheel but she could not care less. She even saw the scrubs and buildings of the London Zoo but did not really see them anyway. Her mind was wandering freely. It wandered back to a certain moment here on the bench, back to other more enjoyable moments, back to a certain moment on that certain Friday night. And her mind wandered into an unknown future, with or without Tommy. She was pretty sure that it could not work without him, nor could it really work with him, that is, but it probably was the best if she would let it all rest for a while. She would take some days off.

In the end, when her decision was clear, she started to watch the other people in peace.

* * *

Tommy parked his car at the kerb and breathed deeply. The memory of Helen's funeral came to his mind but it was replaced by a much happier memory of the night with Barbara. The previous days had not been easy. That was the reason why he got out of his car quickly and rushed up the steep way to the place where he knew _their_ bench would be. He had not been here for years, not once in fact, after Barbara had met him here, and so he was quite surprised to see the new benches and a lot of other people.

But not the woman he had hoped to see. On his heels he turned and then his brother called.

"What now, Peter?" Tommy barked into his mobile phone. "I mean, yes? I'm sorry, It's just..." Raking a hand through his hair he sighed. "I'm sorry, Peter. What is it?"

* * *

Barbara was telling herself that she had made the decision to claim the rest of her holidays because she really needed some fresh air for her thoughts. In fact, deep inside she knew that she had decided to abscond. But however she called it, she would leave London for a while this way or the other. Back at home she packed her bags.

* * *

The following Wednesday at the Met was packed with a fourth body, the first statements of some witnesses, a possible suspect and a lot of work that kept Lynley's mind busy on other tasks than on his troubled private life. He only came home late in the night and fell asleep almost immediately but that did not mean that he was sleeping very well. Thursday noon he finally was able to get away from work and drive to his family estate. There he dealt with more paper work and the stupidity of getting all things sorted for his mother and a short time care home. Friday morning at ten he returned to New Scotland Yard with only four hours of sleep.

"Morning Constable." DI Lynley almost yawned the words. "Any news?" He had not heard anything from Barbara and now hoped that she would have got in touch with Winston at least.

Nkata immediately knew that his boss was not referring to their case. He shook his head and wondered briefly if he would have told him at all if Barbara had contacted him but, sadly so, in fact she had not.

Lynley groaned in annoyance. "Sometimes I wonder if I should check A&E." he muttered under his breath.

"I've already done that yesterday, Sir." Winston said.

"And?" Tommy would have been more concerned if he had not talked with Barbara's neighbour. He was impatient anyway. "Good heavens, Winston! Do I have to worm everything out of you?!"

"Nothing, Sir."

"Bugger! Umm... I mean... good! Well... ah, you know, what I mean." The DI slammed the door when he disappeared in his office only to return moments later with a bunch of manila folders in his arms and his mobile phone pressed at his ear. "Barbara, _please_ call me." His plea sounded angry and disappointed.

Secretly behind his monitor the Constable was texting to Barbara that she should get back to the office because this whole thing was slowly turning extraordinarily weird and the DI's mood was edging desperation. _Whatever has happened. Work it out with him! Winnie_

"At least she listens to my messages." Lynley muttered. "I've left so many messages on her landline number that the box must be full by now. And even if she only deletes them all it's at least a sign that she's still there."

Nkata sent another message. _VERY WEIRD! Please send a sign!_

_I'm fine _she replied five minutes later._ I just need some time. Sorry _

Winston decided to keep that to himself.

* * *

Three very busy days later the Chief Super Intendent dropped by to see how the case was going. After the briefing he stayed for a few nonchalant words.

"I'm glad you manage all this without DS Havers. How is she, by the way?" he finally asked.

"Huh?" Lynley wondered if his superior knew about what had happened.

"Well, is she enjoying her holidays?"

"Is she...?" Tommy's face was a question mark all over.

"Oh, she's taken the rest of her days plus her days of overtime working. I thought you'd know." Already leaving the office he turned one last time towards Nkata who was trying desperately to dissolve into nothingness. "Trouble in paradise, eh?"

While Winnie only showed a slightly sour smile the Chief Super was laughing proudly about his own joke.

It was just that Tommy was not amused at all. As soon as the Chief Super was gone he left to his office with an angry grumble. There he checked his computer. Barbara had 21 days of holiday left plus 6 days of overtime. If she took them all plus the following weekend she would not be here but in one month and a week from now on. The red highlights of the online calendar where the days under her name were marked almost burnt in his eyes.

His despair, anger and the deepest of all sadnesses grew to a very high level that gave him stomach cramps. Not for the first time in those days he skipped lunch.

* * *

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	8. Chapter 8

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Three weeks went by in a flash. Barbara drove about in the country with no real aim at all. England's green and pleasant land was calming her and at the rough coast of Wales a fresh breeze blew through her hair and through her mind. She read some light books, she bathed in the sun and even went swimming in the Irish Sea once. She visited the old castles and gardens, and parking her car somewhere in the Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty she was thinking a lot about her work at the Met while her eyes looked across lakes and woods and meadows. She thought about how it was, being partnered to DI Lynley, and about the deep friendship they had. With her mobile phone deep down in her bag it was easy to ignore his calls and she never answered his text messages but at least she had sent a few nice messages to Winston who finally had stopped asking her to return as soon as possible. She knew she would one day, and that day was not very far away.

Before she would return Barbara still enjoyed the lively bustling of a small Welsh fishermen's village with a name she could not spell. After only one walk through the narrow streets she extended the booking of her room at her B&B from one to four nights. It was just lovely here and the air was filled with the smell of salt, fish and wet ropes and there even was a small promenade. It just felt good being here.

* * *

In the morning of the second day Barbara had felt strange, but it went away during the wonderfully sunny day. Now it was evening and she stood at the railing at the harbour and watched the sun slowly hiding behind the horizon. The light was fading but it would return the next morning and after every night another day would follow, bright or cloudy, but that's the circle. She deeply sighed and turned to leave. At the pub near a small ferry that was not in use for what seemed like decades she would have dinner tonight and a nice pint or two before she would go back to her accomodation.

At that point of her travels she finally was more at ease with everything that was haunting her and thought she should return to face it seriously and not just in her mind. During her trip through England and Wales she missed Tommy dearly but parts of her also felt freed from the burden of loving him and hiding and suppressing it at the same time. Parts of her also felt bad that she had left him alone with all his trouble although she had promised him to help with the heavy tasks of his family matters, to help with simply being there to listen, to be there for him. She had not been there for him at all after her escape and she knew she had been hiding for much too long anyway although these days on her own had done her extremely good.

Inner peace had settled in. Now Barbara was hoping that everything would return to normal. She would return to London, she would support him wherever she could, like she used to, but she would not have to be his lover. They would go on being DS Havers and DI Lynley, working partners and very good friends with the memory of a nice short episode. Everything deeper would not work for long, of that she still was sure. The differences of their lifes were too much and too huge.

In this nice little harbour village she would be staying two more nights from today on but after that she _finally_ would go back home. She would get back to work, save the rest of her spare days for her usual Christmas break and finally face her boss again. It was time to really talk about what had happened and what was to come, no matter how devastating that conversation would be. With that decision made and with a light heart, Barbara went to the nice pub she already knew and had an opulent dinner with a creamy soup, fish and chips and a nice and sweet dessert afterwards. Being tired already she skipped a second pint after her sticky toffee pudding.

It was the fourth night in a row with a deep and dreamless sleep.

* * *

The next day started slightly hasty. After getting up from bed she suddenly had to rush to the toilet because she felt sick. Although this was a harbour the fish for dinner could have been not as fresh as it had been declared but Barbara did not worry for too long because after a nice long shower her appetite was normal and she had a rather healthy breakfast.

Only when she was on her way back to her room to get her coat she felt another nausea rising and that was the point when she started to think about it deeper. Watching herself in the mirror above the sink her mind fought hard to ignore the heavy and obvious thought but it already had begun to hammer behind her temples insistently. As if to get rid of that horrifying idea she shook her head and left the bathroom. Today she had planned to pay a visit to an oceanic museum one hour away from here and would not want to be disturbed by weird thoughts.

It did not work though. When she went to the toilet in a tea room somewhere on the way she stared at the clwhite cloth of her underwear and the heavy thought was almost palpable. She had forgotten about it completely, or better ignored it for too long, but in actual fact it could not be denied anymore that she was three weeks overdue. And there only was one simple logical explanation.

So instead of visiting the museum Barbara parked her car on a tiny parking place at the coast and stared out of the front window. The idea of possibly being pregnant by Tommy weighed heavy on her mind.

"Just one night!" she cried out desperately and full of fear when she let her head bump onto the steering wheel. "It was just one single night!" she whispered once more. And then she let the tears flow freely.

In a small town, where she swore to herself she never in all her life would return to, she bought a pregnancy test she only dared to use the next morning after she had managed to keep back the urge to vomit again. It turned dark blue. Barbara's face turned white although she already had expected this result. For half of the day she did not leave her room. Only in the evening she went to a bench where now no other tourists would be and where she was able to think about the new situation without any disturbance.

After about one hour of watching the high tide rolling in, her decision to return to London was not rejected completely but meeting Tommy was out of question now. Barbara did not feel strong enough to face him or to confront him with the fact that one of his fears obviously was gratuitous now. She did not feel able to tell him that she - with more than 99 % certainty, as it was said on the box - was pregnant. He would feel trapped. He would feel as if she was blackmailing him. He would be the gentleman he usually was but most certainly he would not be happy that he was becoming the father to a child from her. She was not the right woman. She was not one of his lot. She should not be the mother to his Lordship's first child.

And above all, there was the tiny possibility that he would try to talk her into abortion.

"Nah, he wouldn't do that." Barbara whispered to herself when she closed her eyes in bed. This night it was hard again to get some sleep.

* * *

A few days later Barbara returned to her flat in London but she did not return to the office. She stayed at home almost completely for three days and when she was having the appointment with her gynaecologist, which she already had made while she was in Wales, it only confirmed the cheap pregnancy test result.

The doctor sensed that his patient was not overly happy about the news he had revealed. "There's a problem, hm?" he asked sympathetically when they were sitting at his desk after the check-up. Barbara nodded. "With the father?"

"More than one problem." Barbara answered bitterly. "And he won't know about this but..."

When she had chewed on her lips instead of continuing to speak the doctor went on for her. "But you're going to keep the child, will you? I mean-"

"Of course!" Barbara nodded fervently before she slumped back down in her chair. Although she had already known what the results would be, by now she felt small and almost helpless. "I will cope." she murmured.

"Good. And there are a lot of people out there who will help in any situation, Miss Havers." The doctor gave her an encouraging smile. "With or without a father. And I'm very sure you will love your little one."

* * *

Oh, Barbara was sure that she would love her child. She only feared that their _little accident_ would destroy not only Tommy's future, with the blemish of having an illegitimate child, bereft of the chance to find a wife that fits into his world properly. She also thought she would destroy the lives of Peter and his son Kevin. There was no doubt that Tommy was going to accept this child as his. He was too honourable not to. But if the child in her womb would be a boy it would take the prospect from his nephew to become the next Earl. Kevin might even be ripped from the material heritage belonging to all of this if Barbara was carrying a little Tommy.

After several days, spent mostly at home again, Barbara had made the hard decision to keep it a secret. Of course she would not be able to hide her belly growing bigger but she would not need to tell anyone who the father was. She could lie about the calculated day of birth so it could be the result of another one night stand during her holidays. With a nice country guy. After too much alcohol at the pub. And when it would come to its birth next year at the calculated date she could pretend that it was several days too early. She would not have to tell Tommy that it was his child. And she could ask for a transfer to a different department. A very distant one. Edinburgh would be nice.

The thought of working with Tommy suddenly had become unbearable. The thought of working at the Met with all the other colleagues surely wondering about who could be the father was horrifying in fact.

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	9. Chapter 9

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* * *

His calls had become less anyway. Barbara believed that he probably was about to adjust to the fact that she fortunately had not tried to become one of his lovers. He probably was happy that she had started to keep herself out of his life after the little enjoyable mistake in his guest room bed.

Now that she was thinking about it, she realised that his pleading calls and begging messages asking her to return had become _very_ rare in fact and this only fed the dark side of her thoughts. With Winston he had a very good detective at his side and Barbara knew that Judith, who had moved to London one year ago, would be able to support him in all matters concerning their family. Tommy would not really need her.

How could she know that he seldomly found time to try to get in touch. His mother's health still got worse and Tommy was splitting his time between Cornwall and London where he had to solve another major crime without her help. He was coping, but that was all he was able to. He was not happy, he rarely laughed, he had become unbearable. Barbara was keeping herself out of everything so she knew nothing about what was going on. Alone at home she was brooding a lot about her future at the Met, or at any other CID. Actually she was racking her brain how she could sneak herself out of it.

By chance an opportunity arose. Barbara was reading some local newspapers and browsed the job offers out of sheer boredom. But then there it was: a female staff member for the discreet security team of a children's hospice in Oxford was needed. Prior knowledge of that field of activities (plus a lot of capability for empathy) required.

Barbara was convinced that she had both, so she decided to give it a try.

* * *

An epidemic flu was washing over the Met. Every hand was needed and teams were put together because so many people stayed at home sick. Three more weeks went by and nobody could say where they had gone to. This was in total eight weeks without his beloved Sergeant. DI Lynley realised it only when Judith was visiting him to share her birthday cake and have a chat with her brother. He was surprised when she had dropped by because he did not even know that she was in town at the moment and she was acting strangely but he blamed it on her birthday excitement and that she was expecting a present from him which he had not. He had too many other things on his mind.

As usual when he had some precious time for himself he was in a hurry again and only at home briefly for a quick bite and to sort out something private. To his great relief his sister was able to solve the problem the short stay home of his mother was causing again. Judith's calm but resolute phone call was decidedly better than the stressed anger he had not been able to hide completely in one of his previous calls with the management. Tommy was happy just to sit and listen to her.

When he returned to the office after these mostly nice two hours at home Tommy soon regretted that he had left his bed in the morning. A handwritten note from the Chief Super Intendent to check his e-mails was awaiting him already.

In his mailbox Tommy found the short information that Detective Sergeant Havers had resigned with immediate effect. He read it twice.

Another e-mail, decidedly less formal and addressed only to Tommy, asked him if he knew anything about her reasons. Still in shock he answered briefly that he was sorry but he had no idea and DS Havers had not been in contact with him for eight weeks.

Tommy was devastated. He sat at his desk for almost half an hour without moving before he came out into the great office with the whiteboard and everything, but for the rest of the day he was of no great help for the team.

* * *

In fact he was of no great help in the days that followed. That evening he had tried to call her again but she had not answered her mobile phone. She had not answered her landline either except with the well-known text of her answering machine and she obviously had ignored the text messages he had sent. Although Tommy knew he had done it for all his life in some way, he could not understand why she was running away from him, especially after everything between them had seemed to turn to its best in that certain night. He got even more confused and angry too and finally had cried himself into sleep in the evening.

Then one other day while reading the morning papers, an advertising brochure of an estate agent here in London fell out. He knew the golden lettering. It was the estate agent his family always commissioned when it came to one of their buildings. Munching on his toast Tommy browsed the brochure almost bored but then his mouth went dry and he could not swallow down the suddenly huge bite.

In that brochure he found Barbara's flat to be let. He dialled her mobile phone number from speed dial immediately.

_The number you have dialled is not available._ a dull female voice answered.

Confused he stared at his phone. He tried it again, checking the number first, but the answer was the same.

_The number you have dialled is not available._ the dull female voice mocked him.

Barbara obviously had changed her mobile number.

With anger rising he tried to call her on her landline number but it was dead.

"No!" Tommy cried out. Furiously he crumpled up the piece of paper in his hands, threw it through the room with all the force he could muster and did not care at all that it hit a delicate glass figurine, making it burst into thousand little shards when it fell onto the floor.

* * *

He managed to go to work that day but it was no joy for nobody. Not even the following days turned easier for Lynley and his colleagues. Next to all the work at the Met he tried to make out Barbara's new number but he had no success. Additionally the new short-term care home, where his mother was brought to, also was causing trouble concerning the time of her stay. Tommy and his siblings still had not picked a constant home. It had to fulfill a lot of conditions and who could blame the siblings that they only wanted the best for Lady A.

Despite being busy with a major crime the DI had to resolve a lot of governmental things. Not every phone call he made from his office was work related. A lot of things also had to be sorted out with the estate, his solicitor, his brother and everything about the Asherton family. Another month went by and another few weeks. There still was no sign from Barbara and it was destroying him. In every calm minute at home Tommy was brooding why all this was happening, what on earth he could have done wrong, what he might have said to her, what he might not have said. Why fate was giving him this test.

More than one time he was tempted to give in to the sweet oblivion the bottle of whisky was promising but he proudly refrained from sipping one single glass in all that time. A numb feeling was filling him anyway. The numb feeling that he had lost Barbara forever.

It stressed DI Tommy Lynley more than he would admit. To top it all, his family matters and the actual investigations did not go the way he wanted them to. Nothing went well at all and it was no wonder that it gnawed at his nerves. He _was coping_, so he functioned in some way, but he slowly had turned into the most unbearable DI at the Met. At one point even Nkata was asking for a transfer to a different team.

And that was the point when all the complaints about DI Lynley were too many. They came in at short intervals and so the Chief Super Intendent had to pull the ripcord. He did not know but only suspected that there was something related to DS Havers but he also knew about the family matters and the heavy burden Tommy was carrying. It had been the only thing Tommy had revealed when he was interviewed about the accusations.

Ostensibly to sort out these family matters DI Tommy Lynley was temporarily suspended in the end.

* * *

In fact it came in handy. Tommy decided to go to Howenstow for a couple of weeks. No criminal to be chased, no crime to be solved, only beautiful nature was waiting for him in Cornwall. The rough sea, the strong wind and the rural calmness there would do him good. He also would be closer to his mother and closer to the family, so he drove down there the next morning after his suspension. Already on the drive southwards he felt something being taken from his shoulders. With the window open and loud classical music from the radio he began to feel something like relief while the beautiful landscape rushed past his windows and he looked forward to his time in Cornwall. He looked forward to seeing what Peter already had achieved, how far his plans had grown already. He had not talked to him enough for quite some time recently. And Tommy would be able to finally spend more undisturbed time with his mother.

Maybe he also would finally find the right words and tell Judith about what had happened that night with Barbara and that she was gone since then. He had not shared this story with anyone yet but he knew that Judith was suspecting something. When he had answered her nosy questions about his Sergeant uncommunicatively his sister only had scrutinised him but had kept her mouth shut otherwise. Well, and she had raised her eyebrows in the way _he_ usually did.

Around noon Tommy arrived at the family manor. With a short slide he stopped his car on the gravel behind the house and jumped out of the car next to an old Landrover.

"Hey, Peter!" Tommy called while he grabbed his bag from the boot. "Are you there?"

"Yes, I am." Peter came out of the back door. He seemed to be in a hurry and his voice sounded hard. The door slammed against the wall. In just one second he stood in front of his brother. Tommy's smile froze.

Without a warning Peter's fist landed on Tommy's jaw.

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**...**


	10. Chapter 10

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* * *

It had hit him out of the blue so he could not react at all. Tommy dropped the bag to the ground and tumbled backwards when another punch hit his stomach. Peter was beating the hell out of the elder brother. With a lot of angry words and curses he accused Tommy that he had broken his word. He shouted at him that he was the most treacherous person in the world. Of all times. He accused Tommy to be a liar and that due to all the lies Tommy had told him Peter had put all of his money and energy into the new project he had been working at, and now it was not even worth another thought nor penny nor could he pass on anything to his son. Every punch, every jab, every hit emphasised a sentence he was shouting.

Tommy, at first surprised, then shocked, then defeated, and increasingly confused, almost did not defend himself. When he was lying on the floor in the end, with every bone hurting and even some blood trickling from his eyebrow, he managed to ask what this was all about.

"Peter!" he shouted and raised a hand to signalise his total surrender. "Are you mad? What the hell has driven into your brain? What on earth has happened?"

Another less heavy kick hit his thigh and he groaned again.

"You're a bloody liar!" Peter snorted angrily. He glared threatening at the man on the floor. "Judith has met Barbara at the estate agency. It was obvious what had happened, you bloody, devious Casanova!"

"What do you mean?!" Tommy still had no clue what his brother was talking about.

"I mean the little bulge that's witnessing your scheming."

"What scheming?"

"Well, Barbara kept it to herself, of course, but Judith told me, that she had learned from your Sergeant's clear reactions that the only person responsible for this could be nobody else but you!"

"For _what_?!"

"You know very well, what. You're the father to her child. You little f-"

"Her child?!" Tommy's voice was full of shock and disbelief.

* * *

Peter stared down to his brother. "Don't try to-" He cut himself short, cocked his head and scrutinised the blank expression on Tommy's face. One moment later his brother's eyes went wide, his skin turned pale, his mouth was agape. Peter was confused. "Oh, my goodness - you don't know...!?"

"No!" Tommy started to cry and laugh at the same time. "No, Peter, I... I had no idea! I haven't talked to her, I haven't even heard anything from her for weeks... months! She's left! She's left me! I... Oh, god, Peter!" His head slumped back onto the gravel and he closed his eyes.

While Tommy wiped tears and blood from his cheeks Peter raked a hand through his dark hair and turned away, his eyes darting around as if he was seeking to find an answer to this dilemma.

"I wasn't betraying you, Peter." Tommy sobbed apologising. "You have to believe me! I didn't even know that... oh my goodness, she's pregnant! Peter! I'll be a father. Barbara and I..." Swallowing down another sob he sat upright and helplessly looked up to his brother who was still standing above him. "Be assured, Peter, it's written in my legacy and it's safe. Your son will be the next Earl, no matter what. And I'm very sure that Barbara would not want our child to become _one of our lot_ anyway." After a short pause he whispered a disbelieving "Oh, my... Our _child_!"

"Well, the way it looks she doesn't even want you to know." Finally Peter held out a hand to help his brother up from the ground. "She even doesn't want to see you."

"I know!" Tommy sobbed again pulling Peter into a strong hug hiding his face on his brother's shoulder. Neither of them cared that he was leaving blood stains on the old woollen jumper. "What can I do? She's let out her flat, she's changed her mobile number, and to top it all she's left the Met."

* * *

"You're a fine detective, brother." Peter grumbled on their way inside. "Just go to the estate agency and play police man. Hold up your badge and they'll tell you where she lives."

"Peter, I'm not allowed to do that. Apart from the lack of a good reason I'm suspended for the next... time." Inside the house Tommy slumped down on one of the kitchen chairs. Tears constantly streamed down his cheeks and he did not know if he should cry out or laugh so he did both, in turns. "Until I've sorted out my private stuff."

"What?" Peter shook his head and gave a short laugh.

"I've become a stressed pain in the arse for everybody. Even Nkata doesn't want to work with me anymore." Peter muttered something under his breath Tommy did not want to know of. He buried his face in the palms of his hands. "I can't play policeman at the moment because I am none. At least not with a permission."

"Tommy, really!" Peter rolled his eyes. "For once in your life, forget about that principle of yours. It's for your best. For your and Barbara's happiness. And that of your child."

The elder man sobbed again. "But she doesn't want to see me anyway."

"Then convince her that she's fooling herself, you idiot." Peter gave Tommy a wet towel. "Wipe that blood away. You look horrible." Quietly he added that he was sorry for the punches.

"You really should try to get your temper under control, dear brother." More tears started to flow because Tommy remembered the hard way to learn his own lessons on that matter.

It was a family thing.

* * *

Although a few knuckles had hit his face Tommy tended for the bruises only halfheartedly. The cut on his eyebrow was closed with a simple plaster and the bleeding wound in the corner of his mouth only was cooled with some ice cubes in a towel. He was wiping off the dirt from his clothes while he was at the phone already. Energy had returned to him miraculously.

"How is mother?" he asked Peter while he waited for a connection.

"Causing trouble." his brother answered. But he laughed and rolled his eyes with an overly dramatic face. "As always."

Tommy nodded and held up a finger to signalise that the connection stood. He loved her but this time his mother was second most important. "Hello Winston!"

Nkata was surprised to hear his suspended boss talking to him with such a cheery and adventurous voice. He almost had forgotten how enthusiastic DI Lynley could be sometimes and although there was no favour Lynley could call in Winston was happy to follow his urgent plea. Understanding without an explanation that it finally was time to act he was not asking any questions but simply drove to the address he was given, held up his warrant card and lied to the secretary of Harrison & Sons Estate Agency.

He had success.

* * *

Tommy's mobile phone beeped when he was just turning onto the M6 towards the north. He stopped at the first possible lay-by, typed in a new contact and fed his sat nav with an address in Oxford. Then he debated with himself for about five minutes if he should call Barbara and announce his arrival or if he should not.

He decided to simply show up at her doorstep.

* * *

Tommy felt happy all the way to the college town. Somewhere at a service station he bought flowers. Still on his way at a coffee bar he also booked a hotel room, just to be safe. Thinking about it he decided that flowers were a bad idea and gave them to the nice lady who had given him one of the worst coffees he ever had had. His next stop was at a small stall on an A road where he bought a new bouquet.

Then he was there. It was late afternoon and the sun was still shining brightly. On the 7th floor of a huge block of flats he found appartment 716. The faded sticker of a cute teddy bear on the wood of the door made Tommy smile.

_The flowers were a stupid idea._ he thought looking at it but before he could hide them somewhere in the hallway the door opened.

* * *

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	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **You have no idea how much I enjoy cutting the stories and read your reactions ;-) Thanks for all your comments!

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There she stood, the woman he loved, the woman who would be the mother to his child: in washed-out jogging pants, an oversized rugby shirt from the Met's own team and woollen socks. Her hair was pinned up in a messy ponytail. Barbara's face was smiling and in her right hand she held her purse. Her mouth was open as if she was about to say something but Tommy saw that she was holding her breath.

She looked utterly beautiful with slightly rosy cheeks that were a bit plumper than before. Everything on her seemed a bit rounder than when he last had seen her.

"Hello." he murmured hoarsely. Barbara's face went white and so he tried to unsuccessfully lighten up the moment with a lopsided smile. "Waiting for the pizza boy again?" His voice cracked a bit more.

Barbara still did not say a word but she had started to breathe again. Tommy could see that it was slightly strained.

"The flowers were a stupid idea." he croaked apologising, waving the nice bouquet as if he was not sure if he should give it to her or toss them into the tiled hallway. Barbara was silent and only shrugged her shoulders. Her eyes were shimmering suspiciously. Tommy cleared his throat. "It's so good to see you, Barbara." he whispered.

She only stared at Tommy. She was shocked to see him. She did not see the flowers but only his eyes and the lock of hair that fell into his face. A light cramp stressed her stomach and she furrowed her brows. Only slowly she realised that it _really_ was Tommy who had shown up at her door after all these weeks in which she had avoided him.

He looked thinner than before.

* * *

"Hello, Tommy." Barbara whispered. Although it was unexpected she was glad that he had found her. She was happy to see him but she also was anxious and did not know what to do next. She was torn between slamming the door shut and welcome him with open arms. Then Barbara finally recognised the bruises in Tommy's face. It shocked her and immediately she was concerned what could have caused the wounds. At the same time a little voice in her head was angrily pointing out that, after all the time they had been apart, Tommy was calling for attention again. That he was putting himself in the position to need Barbara's help. That he had just come here to be cared for again. Probably after a night with Jack, Jim or one of their older Scottish brothers.

Fortunately her concerns outweighed the stupid little voice.

"You look awful." she said and with tears in his eyes Tommy laughed nervously.

"I know." he replied quietly and shrugged. "I had a fight with my brother. Sort of."

"Ah?" Barbara waited if there would come an explanation but Tommy gave none so she opened the door completely and motioned him to come in. "Come in. You need some care. It's bleeding through that cheap plaster."

She took the flowers and did not know where to put them. Yes, he was right - the flowers were a, if not stupid, but at least a weird idea. "Thank you." she murmured.

* * *

The flowers were laid into her bathtub with just a bit of water. They could be put into a vase, if she found one, later. Tommy's wounds had to be cared for first.

He sat on the rim of the tub while Barbara stood half between his legs, slightly bent down to him. She padded the corner of his mouth and the cut on his eyebrow with an alcohol-soaked piece of cotton-wool. It made him wince and he closed his eyes. He had to, because otherwise he would have looped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her jumper. Tommy wanted to cry and laugh because her treatments were painful and soothing all at once. Barbara's fingers were so gentle while she treated his lesions as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Tommy's knuckles turned white when he tightened the grip of his hands around the rim of the tub. A lot of things hammered about in his brain. She was carrying his child, she was there, she had let him in and not just slammed the door into his maltreated face. She was tending for his wounds no matter what time laid between their last meeting. He finally was with her again. Although it still felt strange, he knew he had come home. He loved her.

A tear escaped his closed lids.

"I'm sorry that it hurts." Barbara apologised quietly.

"No, _this_ isn't." Tommy whispered and opened his eyes.

They stared at each other for several seconds. A lot of explanations still were needed but the looks they gave each other in that moment set many things right in an instant and paved the way for the coming, very much needed conversation. His face was soft and there was a light sad smile in the corners of his mouth.

* * *

In that moment Barbara knew exactly that she was not able to hide her love from him. From the second she had opened the door and had seen him until now she had not managed at all to build any of the barriers she formerly had used to protect herself. And she had not even felt the need to erect such a wall between them. Surrendering she was accepting that her escape had come to an end right here. Her lips turned into a soft smile and when she put a new and more suitable plaster onto the cut of his eyebrow the tip of her small finger gently brushed his temple.

Surprised about her boldness her hands began to tremble. She realised that he was straightening his back so his face came a bit closer to hers. She only would have to bend down a tad to be able to kiss his lips. It was tempting but before that or anything else similarly dangerous could happen Barbara turned away from Tommy brusquely.

"This will do for now." She put away the medical kit. "I still have to put some stuff into the freezer. It may sound funny, but, you know, it wasn't the pizza boy I was expecting. It was the FreezyStuff man."

Tommy followed her on the way to her small kitchen. Barbara explained that minutes before he had shown up she had received her fortnightly delivery of frozen food. The FreezyStuff man had brought her purchase order today but forgot his purse and the bill in the car. "He's said he'd return later or tomorrow. He trusts me, because he knows I'm a good customer."

Tommy only nodded.

Diligently Barbara unpacked a big cardboard box and put the bags and boxes into her freezer. Tommy recognised that it was mainly bags with frozen vegetables. There were no junk food packs and only one box of ice cream which made him smile proudly. It looked as if she had started to eat more healthily after all and he could very well imagine why.

Then his eyes fell onto the door of her fridge. Two ultrasonograms were pinned to it with tiny sunflower magnets.

* * *

Nothing but a shadow could be seen but it still caused silent tears to roll down his cheeks. He reached out his arm and gently caressed one of the pictures with his fingertips.

"Barbara, believe me, I didn't know." he whispered hoarsely.

"Hm?" Confused she stood up. "Oh. That. Well..." Pushing the freezer door shut with her knee Barbara crossed her arms in front of her chest almost defensively. "Of course you didn't know. I didn't tell anybody... anybody in London, that is..." she murmured.

"Why?" Tommy asked desperately. "Why not even me?" When Barbara did not answer he became anxious. "I... I assume it is... It's ours, isn't it?"

The stupid lie that it was the result of another one night stand shot through her mind. "Of course it is ours." she said instead and lowered her eyes. Her face was blushing and she could not stand the hurt in his eyes.

"So why didn't you tell me? Why did you run away?" Barbara shrugged and went to the electric kettle. She was turning her back to him when he went on. "I was so sad when you've left in the morning. I felt empty and that feeling has never left me all the time. Now that you have allowed me to come in here I feel slightly better but when you've shut me out of your life, without a warning, without an explanation, after that... after we..." Tommy sighed. "I felt so helpless. I didn't know where you were, and it has made me angry and anxious at the same time. I didn't know - and there was no chance to find out - how you were, how you feel, why you've left. Where you are. I've racked my brain if there has been anything I've done wrong." Barbara shook her head. "Anything that has made you angry or anything that had hurt you. I didn't know... I couldn't understand, I still don't, and it's still making me sick. I was going crazy without you. So crazy even that the Chief Super has suspended me."

"Not really?!" Barbara briefly turned her head but concentrated on her box of tea bags again when she saw the desperate expression in Tommy's face. One second longer and she would have sobbed. She knew it was the best thing in the world that Tommy finally was here. If only there was not the long needed conversation standing between them. She was in desperate need of a big hug.

* * *

"I've missed you more than my stupid words could ever express, Barbara."

"I've missed you too." she whispered. Finally a quiet sob escaped her lungs and she began to cry silently.

With one stride Tommy stood in her back and caressed her slightly shaking shoulders. He placed a kiss onto her hair but did not force her to turn. His forehead leaned against the back of her head. For a while they cried together.

* * *

"How can two adult people be so stupid?" Tommy eventually asked.

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	12. Chapter 12

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When Barbara was turning with two mugs of tea in her hands he stepped back and gave room for her. He knew that there had to be some talking before he would allow himself to embrace and hug her and give her the kiss he desperately wished to give her after all these months.

"How did you find me?" she asked and blew cool air across the surface of her hot tea.

"I've sent Nkata to Harrison & Sons to ask for your address." When Barbara frowned quizzically Tommy explained more. "I knew you were renting out your flat, I've seen it in a brochure. When Judith met you there and saw your... belly she suspected something. She's told Peter and Peter... well, he's beaten it into my face. He thought I knew it and that I was betraying him during all the time."

Barbara nodded. She had to swallow down a lump in her throat because she understood so well what Peter was angry about. "I feared something like this would happen. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault, Barbara."

"Mh." She shrugged and turned.

Silently Tommy followed her into the living room. There they sat down on the small sofa and drank their tea without a word for quite some time.

Tommy was the first to speak again. "And above all you've changed your mobile number." he sighed. It was no accusation, just a sorrowful statement. Anyway he wanted to know why she had done that so he had to mention it.

"No." Barbara answered and laughed sadly. "I've let it slip into the Thames. By accident of course." She had to add that hastily because of Tommy's expression of pain and disbelief. "But the telephone company didn't want to give me the same number for my new mobile. The system was too old, they said." After a sip from her tea she added that it had come in handy at that moment. She had not wanted to see, hear or talk to anybody from her former life at that time.

Quietly and with a lot of swallowed down sobs, nervous laughs, bitter tears and apologising lopsided grins Barbara told him parts of her side of the story. How she was torn between giving in to her feelings for him and the prospect of just being a notch on his bedpost.

"You never were!" Tommy protested but Barbara went on. She had been hurt that he had taken advantage, she told him, even though a loud voice in her head had screamed that _she_ very obviously had been the one who had initiated the first kiss.

Tommy tossed in that he on the other hand had been quite confused that she had initiated it at a stage where he would have left it at cuddling with her, just holding her, although his body had screamed for more. "Really, in the morning I was thinking that I've read your signs completely wrong. I felt so bad. And sad."

"No. You were quite right, and, well, I wasn't very subtle, was I?" She gave him a short impish laugh.

* * *

Barbara also conceded that she had been thinking almost the same. That she had read the signs the wrong way and that she should not have pushed their enjoyable hug further. In the morning, when she had woken up, she had believed she only would be pushed aside after some time soon. She was telling Tommy about her fears and pain and that she had been too cowardish to come back to the office, no matter how wonderful their night had been. And even more so when she had learned that she was pregnant only after one night.

"I didn't want to make you feel blackmailed." she said. Tommy inhaled but Barbara would not let him object again. "I hadn't wanted to deprive you of the chance to have a proper family with someone suitable. I didn't want to stand in your way with that baby, so I was glad that every string was cut."

There were a lot of things Tommy wanted to reply but he sensed it was too early. Barbara had still a few things to say.

When she had lost her mobile phone on a walk on the towpath of the Thames she already had moved into her new flat in Oxford. She got a job at the children's hospice, where she was sitting at the reception at the moment but the manager already had shown interest in the skills she had learned as a Detective. Tommy smiled at her in awe.

"It's hard to see all those children there." she quietly said. "I see a lot of family tragedies. It's... hard. It reminds us of the fragility of life."

Tommy leaned over and rubbed his shoulder against her in a sympathetic gesture. Words were not needed.

"Although I'm just a security member..." Barbara sighed. "At the reception."

* * *

But her new boss already had held out the prospect of a leading role after the child would be born. She had kept her flat in London and was renting it out. Barbara confessed that she had been telling herself that the rent income from the London flat was paying more than the much cheaper flat in Oxford, but in fact she probably only kept it because she had not dared to cut the last bond with her previous life there. Nonetheless she had started a new one here and it was good and so somehow she had come to terms with everything by now.

"Eventually I was able to stop that down-spiralling cycle. Of great help... no, the _trigger_ for it was nurse Maggie." Barbara was drying her cheeks that had turned slightly wet with tears but she was not crying anymore. She had laughed softly and full of affection when she had mentioned Maggie.

And Tommy still just listened full of affection for Barbara. It was good to hear her voice, and even better to hear her story. He had been so eager to listen to her explanations and learn about what had happened, it was a wonderful relief that she was talking to him so openly now.

Barbara had become friends with one of the older nurses, she was telling Tommy. That wise woman had talked with her in the break room one day and she had called Barbara "plain stupid" not to talk to the father of the child, no matter what differences there were, no matter how frightening the situation was. Ms McCarthy had shaken her head and advised her dearly to get back in touch with Tommy as soon as possible.

Here, Tommy nodded. He very much agreed with nurse Maggie.

"_There's nothing in the world_, Maggie's said to me one day, _that couldn't be solved, or at least made easier, with a good heart-to-heart conversation._ And the way it looks for her, she's said, we both need each other. She's such a dear lady. So cute. She's set down her tea cup and saucer, no mug of course, looked at me very seriously and over the rims of her little golden reading glasses and said with a stern voice..." Barbara lowered her own voice to imitate the older nurse. "_Stop being a coward, Barbara. For your own sake and for the sake of your little child of love._"

Tommy nodded in agreement again and smiled at Barbara so full of love that she had to look away. She blushed a bit and lowered her eyes onto the two empty mugs before she told him that by now she actually understood that it was a completely stupid idea to run away, and to hide and disappear had been idiotic. Eventually she had been stuck at the bottom of the hole of dark thoughts but she knew at that point that it had been all wrong - for herself, for her child and probably for Tommy too. Although she had not known how to get out of there she could not forget him anyway.

* * *

"I still think of you every night before I fall asleep." Barbara admitted without looking at Tommy. She put a hand onto her belly. "And now more than ever."

In the moment of silence that followed Tommy swallowed and moved a bit closer. He sat upright, slightly leaned sidwards against the backrest, turned to Barbara and slowly moved his hand towards the little bulge. He stopped midways and let his fingers hover in the air. "Can I..." he whispered hesitantly. "Am I allowed to..."

"Yes, of course." She also whispered but a gleeful anticipation resonated in her voice. She was longing for physical contact.

Carefully Tommy placed his warm hand next to hers on Barbara's belly. She let her head fall back onto a pillow on the backrest and felt how his touch made her relax deeply. She closed her eyes. Another tear escaped her lid.

"When..." he cautiously began asking but did not dare to finish the question. His composure was quite fragile at the moment. One more word and he would have sobbed overwhelmed with emotion.

Barbara lifted her head. "Can't you count?" she asked softly in return and winked.

He nodded and with his eyes fixed on hers he remembered the date of their night in early May. It was highly likely that Tommy would get the best of birthday presents ever. His face lit up with deep affection. If this would have been a normal situation he would have leaned over and kissed her sensually. Barbara's face expressed that it could have been the right thing but he was too anxious. "Do you already know what-"

* * *

Tommy cut himself short. His eyes widened. He thought he had felt a movement. Barbara fondly smiled when she saw his surprised face and felt the pressure of his hand increasing. She had felt it too.

"She's moving." she whispered soulfully. "It's still rare and so tiny, almost impalpable, but sometimes she seems to kick and box around in a frenzy and I'm able to feel her. As if she makes sure I won't forget she's there."

"I suppose right now she's trying to kick her father for showing up so late." Tommy kept his hand next to hers. Their spread fingers interlocked partly. He lifted his head. "Who could blame her?"

"Ah, bollocks, Tommy." Their eyes locked. Barbara still smiled. She loved him. "_I_ was the one who ran away."

Tommy did not want to elaborate on that right now. "Do you _think_ or do you _know_ that it's a girl?" he asked instead.

"The doctor and I think we know."

"Then I'm very sure that she _is_ trying to give me a kick up my backside." His gentle voice was full of love when he teased her. "I reckon, she's very much her mother's daughter."

Barbara winked. "I hope she's her father's d-"

A knock at her door interrupted her sentence. She looked at her watch and groaned when the door bell also rang twice.

* * *

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**...**


	13. Chapter 13

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* * *

"I wasn't expecting you so late today." she said to the man in a light blue overall. "Here's your money. Thank you, Martin."

"See you next week, Barb!"

* * *

"Barb?!" Tommy laughed when she returned to the living room.

Barbara stopped in the middle of the room and watched him for several seconds.

His legs were stretched out and he was sitting in a relaxed pose on her sofa as if he belonged there. His left arm laid on the backrest and she was tempted to snuggle into his side, forget about the rest of the world, forget about the time that stood between them, and spend a cosy evening on the couch with some telly and some cuddling. But her cautious hesitancy wiped that thought away in an instant. It was too early to think of that. They seemed to be as easy with each other as they always were but something still was straining her nerves and he still looked slightly stressed either. There still was something between them, something as thin as a net curtain, but it was there. So instead of jumping into his arms she pouted a bit.

"Barb. Yes. Why not? He's a cute boy."

"Cute?" Barbara was sure that Tommy did not realise that he was narrowing his eyes.

"Mhm. And you should see his wife. She's adorable." She saw him sighing with relief. "Tommy, don't be silly. There's no need to be jealous."

"I'm not jealous. I'm..." He sighed. "Yes, sorry. I'm jealous."

Barbara shook her head with a reprehensive expression. "And I am hungry."

"So am I." Tommy chuckled and looked at his watch. "It's high time for dinner, I'd say. Shall we go out or..."

"No, I'd rather stay at home. We could call the-"

"Delivery boy."

Reluctantly they both laughed but Barbara felt a sudden relief that it would all turn out for its best. Tommy was here. They would work out together what would be from now on. She still did not know how but she knew they would find a way.

They always had. After every quarrel, no matter what.

* * *

After a brief discussion they opted for Chinese from the little take away shop at the corner down the street. This way they could have a little walk outside and Tommy even dared to put his arm around Barbara's shoulder like he always had used to. It felt good. They did not talk much but just enjoyed each other's company.

"Don't you have to stick to a certain diet?" he asked on the way from the Dragon Ball back to her flat.

"Well, I'm allowed to eat _this_." Barbara snickered lifting the plastic bag with their food boxes. "But yes, some things are forbidden. I'm afraid we can't have a pint afterwards."

"I haven't had one for weeks." He earned a quizzical look for his deep sigh. "Oh, and not even a whisky."

Barbara nodded earnestly. "Good."

She was glad that her absence had not made him drink himself off from this world. It had been one of her fears and when he had stood on her doormat, with the cut, the blood and the bruises in his face and his still partly dirty clothes, and even with a not so recently shaven face, the first thought that had crossed her mind was that he had turned into an alcoholic wreck because he had drowned his sorrows again and again.

"Oh, I was tempted. Very often." Tommy admitted. "I felt... lonely..."

Barbara had just opened the door to her flat. "I'm sorry, Tommy."

* * *

They ate at the small table in her living room. They talked a bit about the cases he had solved without her and only picked up the difficult threads of their heart-to-heart talk after the dishes were put away in the dishwasher. Both were glad that words came so easy after all the time.

In silent agreement they had sat back down where they had had their dinner. The table was a good barrier so they would not get into embarrassing or tempting situations. It was not at all clear how all this woud go on and the tender moment on the sofa had edged the danger of getting too close too soon. It was clear that they could not just kiss and forget everything that had happened.

"You know, I was thinking a lot about resigning." Tommy began.

Barbara raised her eyebrows. "But you love your work."

"So did you."

"Fair point." she mumbled and lowered her eyes to her folded hands on the table.

"I feel... Well, I feel old." His voice sounded sad. "Too old for my job, too old for the estate business, too old for... I don't know. Old."

"Tommy... We're both just 40. Well, and a bit. That's not the autumn of life. And definitely not the time to stop working."

"But without you it's not the same anymore. Your wit is missing. Your backtalking is missed." Barbara laughed about that. "You are my counterpart. The one with her feet on the ground. But... Well, recently my thoughts often wandered back to when you've said 'you resign - I resign'. I always was convinced that it would be the same the other way round but then I was too busy to implement that plan. With the criminals having parties in London, so to say, with Peter and his projects, the estate, the entire heritage, with my mother and her..." He swallowed. Now it was his turn to let a silent tear flow.

* * *

"How is she?" Barbara asked softly.

"Ah, at the moment... stubborn." Tommy sighed. "Last thing I've heard was that she insists on helping out in the kitchen. _One thing I can do is cooking_, she had said to the nurses. _So I'm cooking for my country. Our soldiers need healthy meals_."

"What?" Barbara knew that Lady A was not so old to have served at WW2. "Our soldiers?"

"You might remember winter 62/63?"

"Hardly." They shared a slightly amused smile.

"Well, me neither. But I know that we've hosted helping soldiers during the snow catastrophe. My mother and Granny were cooking something all the time." Tommy swallowed down a lump in his throat. "Now she's trying to help out in the kitchen, more or less, sitting in her wheelchair. And she's constantly asking when Granny would return because she couldn't do all the work on her own. And she's often getting angry when she's denying that we're telling her the truth, when we try to get her mind back into the present time..."

He looked at his own folded hands which were lying on the table between them. Barbara covered them with hers and squeezed them gently in silence.

"It's all turned worse." he choked on his words and began telling Barbara what had happened in those weeks.

* * *

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**...**


	14. Chapter 14

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* * *

Barbara and Tommy cried a lot together but it was a good conversation.

He told her how his mother was and what he and his siblings had to do and check and organise and how it was slowly eating him away.

Both confessed that they were thinking a lot about age; Tommy mostly because he saw his mother aging so quickly and Barbara because it was rather late for her for having a baby. They also talked tentatively about their fears concerning having or not having a relationship with each other, their emotional turmoils, their longing for something that had been out of reach and out of question for years and now was within their grasp. They cautiously also mentioned some of their deepest feelings.

Barbara confessed that everything had been easier with the safety of them being distant. Out of sight, out of mind - although it only worked partly. With the safety of them keeping their relationship on a friendly level nothing had to be thought about. After their night together that safety had vanished and already in the morning she had felt that she had had the need to get it sorted in her own head before she would return; return to him, return to the office. She had had to leave to give herself some time to think straight. She admitted though, that in the beginning she had not planned to stay away for such a long time.

Over several glasses of sparkling water they talked for hours. Both confessed that in these long weeks of separation they were brooding a lot and that they had cursed the other one from time to time.

"That lonely brooding didn't bring us anywhere but deeper into dark thoughts, did it?" Barbara said sadly. "On my side deeper into thoughts of a restricted future in a golden cage. And into thoughts about being an obstacle in your life, now that... now that I'm carrying your child."

"I never thought of you being an obstacle" Tommy protested. "Quite the opposite. _Because_ you are so different to everything else I've known, you've always been an enrichment to my life. Always. I don't want to miss that any longer. I don't want to have to miss you again, Barbara. You're... you're a part of me."

"You're a part of me too, Tommy." Barbara got up and got herself another glass of water. "And still... Well, for a while already, at the latest after Maggie spoke with me, I had decided that it would be best to get back in touch with you. That conversation with Maggie was a few weeks ago. Although I still can't imagine how you and I... There are _too_ _many_ differences."

* * *

Standing in the doorframe to her kitchen she explained that she knew that they had built up a strong friendship, that they were even more than just good friends, but she also managed to tell him a few of her objections to try to have a deeper relationship with Tommy.

"We're not just good friends _or more_, Barbara." Tommy fervently threw in, ignoring her mentioning the differences and his lot and these things. He probably would never get that out of her mind. "We have a bond. We are... I'd say we are soulmates. You always knew how to handle me. That's a thing very few people do. You understand me. I think I understand you, and your way of being. At least most of it, I hope. I feel so much for you that is beyond friendship and stands above all these stupid class issues. I..." He desperately sighed. "I think you feel the same." he added quietly. "At least I hope so."

Barbara frowned. "Of course I feel the same. Of course I love you. I have for years. But-" She looked away. She could not stand his sad and confused eyes. Apart from whispering it in that night in May when he probably had been asleep already she had said those three words for the first time.

Tommy also got up from his chair. He only wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her tears and fears and all her silly objections away. She had to understand that they were made for each other. Of course he respected her opinion but she just had confessed that she loved him. This alone made his heart burst in joy. And still he did not just kissed her. He knew he had to convince her differently.

* * *

"Like me, Barbara." he said with a quiet but nonetheless firm voice. "I love you, Barbara. I love you so, so deeply! I have realised that it was you who is the missing part in my life. Long before that night. Long before I knew I'm going to be a..." He gave a short laugh. "Long before I knew we will be having a baby. It's not an annoying obligation. It's the most wonderful duty I'd be happy to fulfil. I _want_ to be a father to my child. A real father, and not just the..." He snorted. "Not just the begetter. I want to be there for you and... For you and our little daughter. You know, my mind actually was thinking about names already when I drove here from Cornwall. Barbara, I want to be there for you both and I'd dearly want to be with you. Not just as a very good friend." Tommy's voice had turned soft and loving in the end. He had made a step closer to Barbara and still was out of reach for an embrace.

For a while they stared at each other. There was a lot of tension between them; despair, anxiousness, even a certain sizzle of desire, but both refrained from taking the next step towards the other one. It would be the easiest thing to just let the other _feel_ how much more there was but the separation for about four months was in fact hard to ignore and it made them stay apart physically. Being so cautious they somehow had reached a dead end for the moment.

They had confessed what they feel, now it was time to think and let it sink in.

* * *

Eventually Barbara looked at her watch rather overtly.

"I think it is late." Tommy's heart fell when she said it. "I... To be honest, all this came a bit out of the blue. You came here a bit unexpectedly. Please understand..." Barbara inhaled deeply and exhaled before she went on. "I need some time to let this sink in."

He nodded slowly. "I respect that."

"I suppose I have to think a lot, but..."

"I won't be far away. I've booked a hotel room in Oxford."

"Well, then..." Barbara gave him a shy smile. "I hope you don't mind that I'm giving us another... break? I have to go to work tomorrow anyway."

Tommy shook his head and came closer so he was able to gently stroke her upper arm. "As long as you promise me that you won't disappear again." he murmured.

"I won't." Barbara smiled in a way that seemed to apologise for the previous weeks. Her open face soothed Tommy's fears. He knew she was not kicking him out of her life again, she just kicked him out of her flat to get the time she needed and some sleep. He could live with that. It was almost two o'clock in the night anyway.

* * *

Tommy bent down to her and slowly closed the distance to her cheek. He saw her face lighten up with a sweet mischief twinkling in her eyes. Despite her just mentioned need for time she turned her head slightly so he was able to give her a kiss fully onto her lips. Surprised but not dissatisfied with this he lingered there for a little bit longer than initially planned. It felt so very good.

When their lips parted both sighed.

"Good night, Barbara." he whispered gently, his face still close to hers to give her a chance to continue the intimate contact if she wanted it too. "Will we meet tomorrow?" There was a lot of hope in his question.

Unfortunately she made no move. But her voice was soft and despite the words she said, it sounded invitingly. "I have to work late tomorrow, Tommy. Means, I'm home only in the night. But I'd love to meet you on Friday."

"That's a long time." he sighed with a bit more drama than seriously necessary.

She smiled amused. "It will be a long shift tomorrow. I don't want to bore you out with me yawning on the sofa."

"I'd be happy to just sit next to you and watch you yawning." Tommy winked gently.

"Don't be silly."

"I mean it. Maybe with one or the other gaze at the telly, and a nice hug every now and then."

"Tommy, please." Blushing Barbara looked to the ground. It was as if he had read her thoughts.

He nodded. "I'll see you then." On her doormat he turned once more. "I look forward to Friday."

"So do I." Much to his and in fact also to her own surprise Barbara stood on tiptoes and gave him another unexpected kiss. "Sleep well, Tommy."

* * *

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**...**


	15. Chapter 15

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* * *

Barbara did not sleep well that night. In fact she woke up once to a nightmare and twice after a disturbingly nice dream. Her mind circled around Tommy and the possibility of a shared future. She was thinking about it the next day from her breakfast coffee on, which was at ten, more so when she found the bouquet of flowers in the bathtub fifteen minutes later, and in several moments during the day until she went to bed at eleven. She was thinking about it more than she had ever before.

Tommy also had a disturbed night. He only slept for a few hours and then walked around through the beautiful streets of his old college town early in the first rays of sun, had a coffee here and a freshly baked croissant there and sat down at places he used to go to when he was a young man at college. He was almost constantly thinking of Barbara and how good it was that he had found her, how good it was that they had talked so much yesterday. During the early morning he hardly could keep himself from texting Barbara but he feared to wake her up before her alarm would do. Only later in the morning he greeted her with a simple _Good morning._ and he recieved a message with a picture of the flowers, nicely arranged in an old dimple mug with handle on the worktop in her kitchen.

_ Good morning. The flowers weren't such a bad idea. They're beautiful._ she texted.

He immediately answered. _Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady._

Barbara did not answer but Tommy imagined how he had made her blushing sweetly and smiling her own special smile. The one he loved so much.

* * *

At about four in the afternoon, after he had visited his alma mater, he sent her a picture of the tray they had served him at a tea room. Playfully he asked via another text message if he should bring some sandwiches for tea which she answered with a grinning emoji accompanying a picture of an apple and a bowl of stew. A bit later Tommy had a phone call with his brother, in which he told him that he had found and talked to her and that it was looking like they were on the right path. Then he thought of also telling Judith what had happened but refrained from it, because it probably was too early. Tommy still did not know where this path, on which they had just stepped, was leading them in the end.

He would have loved to tell his mother about it all but she probably would not understand. Sitting in a park on his own, when the sun was just an orange ball above the horizon of low roof tops in the distance, Tommy let some tears roll down his cheeks freely. After a while he fetched his wallet out of the inner pocket of his jacket. Only the grey shadows of the ultrasonogram he had taken from Barbara's fridge secretly could lift his mood.

In the evening he finally dared to call Barbara properly. It felt gorgeous that she finally answered his call.

"Hello, Tommy." she greeted him with an audible smile in her soft voice.

"I still would love to watch you yawning." he gently said instead of a hello.

"I bet you do." Barbara yawned and they both had to chuckle in amusement.

At first they only talked about the events of their day but it slowly drifted towards their feelings again and they had another nice conversation before they went to bed.

"Sleep well, Barbara." Tommy said quietly at the end. "I l... I look forward to tomorrow."

Cowardly he did not dare to say those three little words. Not over the air. He wanted to see her face when he said it again.

"I..." She had to swallow down a lump in her throat before she could reply completely. Those three little words had almost passed her lips but she wanted to say them face to face with Tommy. Not at the phone and not in the middle of a conversation again. "So am I. Good night, Tommy."

* * *

She went to bed but Barbara was not able to fall asleep. The phone call had disturbed her more than she had expected and thoughts were still running around in her head. Although they had not met today they had unintentionally solved something during the call. Barbara sensed that they were moving forward, only she was not sure about the speed. Somehow it felt as if Tommy was leaving the decision about that to her. It was her turn to slow down or speed up. Unfortunately she was not sure which way she wanted it to go. On one hand it could not go fast enough because she longed to be with Tommy, and physically as well, on the other hand she wanted a lot of things to settle down first before she would rush into his arms, and a lot of important things still were unresolved, things she was not really sure she wanted or could cope with.

Actually she could not sleep at all with all these things in her head. After tossing and turning for a while she got up again and switched on a small lamp which was fixed at a shelf above the table where she had dinner and the tearful conversation with Tommy the previous day. Barbara fetched a notebook and sat down.

* * *

A decision had to be made and it had to be made quickly.

To get a visual structure into her thoughts Barbara began to write down a list of pros and cons.

* * *

The first thing that came to her mind was _love_. She wrote it down on both sides because it was wonderful and deep, which was definitely a pro, but it also was frightening because of its acuteness. Of course she had been in love before, not a lot, and definitely not so ingrained and completely heartfelt, but a few times she had. Only with Tommy everything felt deeper and disturbingly intense. When Tommy suddenly had been here at her door she started to feel it even deeper than when she only had been thinking about it without his presence.

The next thing she thought about was the _future_ of being a _countess_. It made her hesitate because it involved _marriage_ and that had not been the topic at any time but it was the precondition for a lot of things. It only had come to her mind now and it was a surprisingly easy thought. _If_ they would stay together it probably was inevitable anyway. It also was no pro or contra, it just seemed normal. Having realised this, Barbara nodded to herself.

There would be other things following a marriage. Their child would not be the next Earl, naturally not, but Barbara would be the next Lady Asherton and that would be accompanied by a new _social status_.

It was a contra, she decided, because it would mean to give up some of her usual habits and parts of her normal life and she probably would have to behave differently on too many occasions. It also meant more possibilities, for herself and also for her daughter of course so she crossed it out and nied it on the pro side.

Barbara chewed her pencil. In fact the social status as a countess was contra when she imagined all the social obligations being with Tommy probably would bring. She also wrote it on the other side and added a few explanations on both entries.

Before she wrote the word _money_ on the pro side she hesitated. It was something she feared people would think of as the main reason for her to partner with Tommy but it also was an actual fact that he really had a lot of money and it was of course a nice bonus. It was not really important though. Barbara put it in brackets.

Definitely a pro was the fact that letting Tommy into her life, to share it with him, to stay with him permanently, would mean that the little living in her womb would have a father who was present. That was a very heavily weighing pro so she underlined it twice: _Father to the child_

* * *

**_Tommy_**

Pensively, she wrote it down slowly in the next line, in neat letters and with a nice twirl at the end of the horizontal line of the _T_ and re-drew it slowly three times. Most certainly Tommy himself was a pro. A pro for her selfish self. He was a wonderful man with all his manners, his views, his flaws and imperfections, his body. With his tenderness and with the love he was offering her. Unrestricted obviously, without prejudices but with all of his heart.

Barbara gave a short gentle laugh and watched his name. Her stare became even more thoughtful and even dreamy. She recalled their confessions, remembered their latest conversations, their tears, their laughs, their apologies. Memories came up about the time when they were apart. How, deep, deep inside, she had missed him for months. A feeling she had stifled by herself because she was so afraid of what would happen if she gave in to her secret longing. A longing she had not allowed herself to admit for years but which had been there even before that certain night in May, at the wonderful aim of what in fact was a great time of cautiously approaching each other in the months before.

While Barbara stared at his name the pencil in her hand automatically drew a circle around it. It was the involuntary visualisation of her thoughts that circled around him. His face was burned into her mind. The expression Tommy had shown when he had looked into her eyes while his hand had laid close to hers on her belly and the little one inside had been making her presence felt was engraved in her memories ineradicably .

Barbara smiled.

* * *

Then she crumpled the piece of paper and went to bed. She loved him. She believed his confession that he loved her was the plain and simple truth. Actually that was all she needed. It was all she and her child would need. The rest would come naturally, of that she was sure now.

She fell asleep in an instant.

* * *

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**...**


	16. Chapter 16

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* * *

On Friday morning - after his shower and a shave Tommy just had sent another _Good morning my beautiful woman! _to Barbara - there was a firm knock at his door.

"Coming! Just a second!" He had to close his shirt first before he opened the door curiously. He was not expecting anyone but least of all he had expected this. Surprised he needed a second to compose himself.

"Barbara!" Tommy grinned happily.

She really was there. Barbara was wearing jeans that looked as if they were dungarees hidden under a wide jumper and she carried a small sportsbag. His face lit up and his heart was somersaulting. She was looking as if she came to stay.

"They should have a lot of second thoughts about data security at their reception." Barbara laughed. "Hello, Tommy."

"Hello." He looked at her for a few more moments and they only shared a smile. His calm face was just letting on a hint of his bursting inner happiness. "It's quite early."

"It's late enough." A trace of seriousness in her voice made it clear that Barbara was not referring to the time of day.

Tommy got the hint. "But not too late."

Nodding, she deeply breathed. "I'm willing to try it."

"Try what?" He had to hear it in clear words. Tommy did not want to go on with guessing and hoping.

"I'll try to get used to being the wife of an Earl." Her eyes widened. She had not planned to say that but the words, the long speech she had so carefully put together on her drive here, had simply vanished when she had seen him. She had planned to ignore her little fears of being his Lordship's partner and start letting him into her life and maybe even share his and she had had some beautiful sentences on her mind to declare it. Now it all was gone after one look into his eyes. But she still dearly had wanted to rip off the invisible curtain that, from the moment he had stepped over her threshold two days ago, was between them because neither of them dared to make the next step towards each other, simply embrace and get the kiss they visibly both longed for.

They had to make their step into a shared future together, and Barbara had just had drawn the curtain with her accidental proposal.

His heart sped up. He had not proposed to her the other day for several reasons, as much as he would have loved to, but now she was offering marriage on her own accord.

* * *

"I know we'll be going along very well." Tommy knew it was an understatement. He grinned about it but Barbara kept a partly earnest face. There had to be some things set right first.

"Just to make that clear: It's not your money or the huge house... well, houses... your manor or anything about your Lordship stuff. I don't want that. I just want to have a father to my girl. And I think, we've wasted more than enough time."

"And you love me." Tommy added. "Like I love you."

"Yes. I said that. And I do. I'm just not going to play your countess and run around at upperclass charity events, smiling at rich people."

"You don't have to."

"And I don't want our daughter to become a spoilt princess."

"I'm not sure if I can keep myself from spoiling my... our child."

"You know what I mean. I don't want her to become one of these hoity-toity rich kids."

"Hoity...?" Tommy gave a short laugh before he nodded. "Yes. I understand. I'm pretty sure with _your_ parenting she won't." He paused and watched her expectant but doubting face. She was biting her lower lip. "Although - and if I may say so, it was _your_ idea to marry - you will officially be the Countess of Asherton afterwards, so I suppose there will be one or the other event where you, and probably our little princess eventually, will have to dress up and smile."

"If it's inevitable, and not so frequent - so be it."

"Good."

* * *

Still standing in the doorway to his room they finally grinned at each other. With simple words and without really saying it, they just had agreed on marriage. It had been very easy in fact. Their faces beamed as if they just had said the important _yes_ already.

Eventually Tommy winked and became bolder. "Will we share my bedroom?" he hopefully asked.

"I don't know." she said with a mischievous grin. Of course she knew she was going to share his bedroom. She was going to share his bed as well, and she wanted it of course but she had to tease him nonetheless. "Actually I need more time to think about _that_." He looked at his watch and his gesture made her laugh. "I guess, it will take me more than an hour, Tommy. But you can prepare the guest room until then."

For a brief moment desire flashed across his face and the darkening of her eyes was telling Tommy that Barbara was thinking about the same moment in his guest room in London.

"This is just a hotel _room_, Barbara, it's not a suite."

"Well, we could move to my flat and you could sleep on my sofa."

His voice was hoarse when he answered. "No way."

Their eyes had locked in the moment he had opened the door and they had not stopped their eye contact from then on. The look they shared now was full of love and he tried to convince her silently that now was the right moment for her to make the next move. Barbara understood and slowly blinked. His knees turned weak. She had never given him such a loving look.

* * *

"Barbara, are we going to stand here forever and be jolly or will you finally come closer?" Tommy murmured. "I'd like to hug you."

Barbara nodded. She wanted to hug him too. She blushed a bit but stepped forward nonetheless. Uncaring about it she let her sportsbag drop to the ground and while Tommy let go of the door to open up his arms widely she moved her hands to his waist. Without further ado, without any more teasing conversation, they embraced each other. Finally they were where they needed to be.

Eventually she looked up to him. Barbara's face looked relieved and happy. Tommy smiled. Relief and happiness was what he was feeling deep inside. "I'd like to stall our conversations for some time, Barbara."

"Aha?" She did not think that this was a conversation.

"I'd like to kiss you."

"I'd like to kiss you too."

They shared an affectionate smile before Tommy lowered his face to hers and she closed her eyes. Their lips met in a brief and gentle kiss, very soft and almost only letting their lips brush. It felt a bit as if it was their first kiss ever and in fact it somehow was. It was followed by a second, slightly longer touch.

"Oh, Barbara." Tommy breathed. "You are my treasure."

"And you are mine, Tommy." Barbara answered and increased the grip of her hands on his waist.

It was the trigger for more. In an instant their lips met in a long and hungry kiss.

* * *

Breathless afterwards, Tommy whispered onto the skin of her cheeks that he loved her. "I love you with all my heart, body and soul, Barbara. And I want to stay with you forever. I'll care for you, for you both. I am so sure that we will manage everything. I know we'll still have one or the other serious conversation but we'll get over our fears together and I don't want to lose you again. I respect that you don't want to give up your new life, or your new job, or your new flat. But promise me you'll stay with me, wherever that would be. I need you so much in so many ways I can't count. Please stay with me."

"I will, Tommy." she breathed into his ear. "That's why I'm here."

"And stay with me tonight."

He kissed her again to emphasise his loving need.

"It's still morning." she replied onto his lips with a smile.

"Then stay with me right now." Tommy almost growled.

She could not answer because her lips were sealed by his one moment later.

The self-closing door had been held open by Tommy's knee and his foot. Now that they were kissing he accidentally moved his knee away and they lost their stance. Laughing loudly they stumbled into his room together. The door fell shut.

* * *

The small sportsbag with spare clothes and a toothbrush still laid on the floor in the corridor in front of a closed door. Barbara had packed it just to be safe for whatever would happen. It only was brought inside a few hours later by the room service waiter who was delivering their ordered snack in the afternoon.

After he had left the slightly blushing man in bathrobe the waiter hung up the discreet sign at the door knob without an order to do so. But the heap of duvet and pillows looked supiciously huge.

_Please do not disturb!_

He smugly grinned all the way down the corridor.

* * *

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**FIN**

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**Thank you!**


End file.
